Sanity Not Required

Not Saying I'm always right ......

2011-06-17T14:06:00.002-04:00

This is a continuation of my last post. I decided to try and smooth things over so I sent her an email and she responded very poorly. I wont be responding back because it's just not worth it.

Cheri,

I apologize for offending you. My statements were not intended to be offensive and not intended to tell you personally how to raise your kids. You posted a statement on your status for everyone to read and I made an (apparently poor) assumption that you were willing to have a discussion on the topic. It's a topic with a lot of opinions and those kinds of topics posted openly on FB tend to bring about a lot of discussion. I don't mind when others disagree with my statuses - in fact, I expect it because 500 people obviously arent all going to agree. Your friend Roz saying that a woman should "take it to the restroom" really got to me so I sat down and calmly wrote from a breastfeeders point of view. It was not meant to be an attack. You are correct that you have a right to your opinion.

I just wanted to let you know that I am truly not angry and did not intended to fight. If you ever want to have a discussion on the topic then please let me know because I'm sure that we can have a productive talk on the matter. Neil and I are always telling the girls that although we have our opinions, that there are a lot of other opinions out there. We tell them that we are not always right and that anyone who tells them that they are 100% right probably doesn't listen well to other people and keep an open mind. So just because I feel passionately about a topic doesnt mean that I am not willing to listen to the other side.

I love you and I love my nieces and nephews. I just want you to know that my page is open to you anytime you want to view pictures or share thoughts. For now I will send pics to your email.

I'm looking forward to seeing everyone on Saturday and watching all the kids run around and have fun.

See you there :)

With Sincerity,

Bri

Ok, here's the thing...
You know me well enough to know that your comments were going to irritate me & offend me, yet you went right ahead with it. If you had posted all that to the public on your own page...that would be different. You didn't need to do that on my page, for one. On top of that, how did you expect me to react to your telling me I have the right to leave the room etc... as if MY rights as the mother of boys & what they see doesn't matter. You want me to respect your right to breastfeed, and I do everytime I let you breastfeed in my great room full of people, but you do not show equal respect to my choices as a mother.

Bottom line: I'm done.... I've tried to be nice, regardless of the many things I disagree with..... I've let you breastfeed in my great room everytime.... why should I continue to be respectful of your breastfeeding when you so clearly refuse to respect my choices as a mother. When Austin was a baby & Jeff's folks were offended because I changed his diaper on their living room floor (because to me that was no big deal)... I still changed him openly at my house, but when we were at their house, I refused to change him on the bathroom floor as they suggested, but I did go in to another room away from everyone. Respecting their views & opinions on the matter, especially in their house.

So what you do in public when I'm not around is your business.... but at my house, you will be asked to breastfeed in another room... if you are offended by that, I apologize, but I'm putting my foot down. It's my house & it's my choice. I also ask YET AGAIN for you to not breastfeed around my children. Period. If you want to do it anyway... go for it.... but don't be surprised when I notice it & I'm rude about it. Because I've asked you nicely... they are my kids & it's my choice what they see, not yours. I wish it didn't have to come to this, I tried to ask that you simply be more discrete, respecting my wishes around my children for what I feel is appropriate for them. Yet you insist on it being your right to breastfeed, it's natural... but just as urinating is natural... and yes some find it offensive.... I don't find it offensive at all... it's just peeing.... but not everyone agrees with that, just like not everyone agrees with breastfeeding so openly. So at my house, this is how it will be.... many will be more comfortable with it this way.

So ~ as before, yes you irritated me... big surprise. But it's not going to change if you can't seriously be more considerate of those of us around you who aren't comfortable with your nursing to openly. My mother is a smoker & she legally can be outside smoking right next to you breastfeeding your baby, yet she chooses to move away from people because of their comfort level. It shouldn't be so hard for you to do the same. And I know, smoking is very different than nursing, I realize that ... but I am referring to the consideration of others that you should be more respectful of.

I'm not mad really, yes I was irritated.... but really, for me it's more "I'm done"
I don't see anything changing here... because you feel you have the right to do it in front of my children regardless.
And that's fine... I'll deal with it each time it occurs
and as for what we are comfortable with our kids seeing & hearing....
well, I guess I don't need to worry about the "older Kid" stuff that my kids sometimes refer to & I tell them not around the little kids......nope, not anymore.... you have the right to remove your kids from the area if such an instance occurs.
Have a great day Bri

Here's Hoping .....

2011-06-15T21:37:00.003-04:00

I may have just started another feud with Cheri. I hope I didn't! I was not intending to piss her off although I suspect that it will. I just couldn't take not saying another anymore because she made a point of personally talking to me about nursing around her kids (which never mattered with the first two) and I feel like she always thinks she's right and doesnt ever care about other peoples feelings/thoughts/opinions. If you don't agree with her you are wrong. I simply wanted to express that other people have a different opinion on the topic but I doubt it will be taken as anything more than a personal attack. Here's the FB thread. Fingers are crossed that I didn't start a fight 4 days before we are supposed to have a family reunion in Marion.

Cheri Postema Noorman
Ok, I must say, I Totally support breastfeeding, however, having said that: Shouldn't those that breastfeed support my choices as a mother as well? Ex: I don't think my boys need to see some lady's boobs... it's one thing to be discrete, it's another to have the entire breast exposed ~ continued below:

about an hour ago · ·

- Roz Strickland Ugh I know..just take ur lazy behind to the restroom..
  about an hour ago ·
- Cheri Postema Noorman lol @ Roz! Ya know, I don't mean to tell people what to do, & I don't even care if they sit right next to me as long as they are discrete or cover up a bit.... but to have it all hanging out where it makes my boys uncomfortable.... just drives me crazy!
  about an hour ago ·
- Roz Strickland Yea that's totally disrespectful...and there could be some perv standing off watching..use ur brain women..
  about an hour ago ·
- Cheri Postema Noorman Amen Roz :)
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Cheri Postema Noorman My other post isn't showing up: I commented that they are MY children & it is my choice what they see & what I feel is appropriate. Breastfeeding or not, natural or not, it's my choice & I choose that my boys don't need to see boobs yet.... shouldn't my choices be respected as well?
  about an hour ago · · 1 person
- Roz Strickland I agree!
  about an hour ago ·
- Brienne Ritzenhein Postema
  breastfeeding mothers support your right to leave the room. We also support your right to leave a public beach where there is way more skin and breast exposure than when a woman nurses her baby. We also support your right to eat in an unsanitary restroom or to cover your head while you are eating and see how much you enjoy it. But mostly we support your right to educate your boys on how amazing a womans body is that it can nurture and feeding its young. I would venture to say that if you saw a cat nursing her kittens that you would encourage your boys to watch. However, if its a mother nursing her baby it somehow become sexual? Wouldn't it be best to teach them now how to respect the wonder of a womans body? If boys never see breastfeeding it only encourages women to be seen as objects for their pleasure. I'm not saying that your boys see women this way, however as a society it does. I expect that you will delete this comment. It's not meant to piss you off although I suspect it will do that as well. Looking forward to see you Saturday!
  11 minutes ago ·
  ·
  Brienne Ritzenhein Postema like i said i wasnt trying to start a fight, just giving you the other side. plus you already opened the door when you called me before but im not mad. We all have opinions and i didnt say you should change yours. If we never hear both sides, how are we supposed to be open minded parents? I really am looking forward to seeing you saturday (boobs and haha jk)
  2 hours ago · · 1 person
  Clarissa Chloe Viening-Butler Comparing public urination to breastfeeding is pretty offensive. A grown man pissing in front of kids can be classified as a sex offender. A woman breastfeeding her child in front of your boys is opening their minds to the possibility that womens' bodies are designed for more than bikinis and stripping.
  2 hours ago ·
  Cheri Postema Noorman I don't find urinating offensive at all.....
  2 hours ago ·
  Cheri Postema Noorman and you wonder why our kids aren't allowed to be linked to you...hmmmm
  2 hours ago ·
  Clarissa Chloe Viening-Butler because she defends her opinions?
  2 hours ago ·
  Clarissa Chloe Viening-Butler yeah you wouldn't want them learning that.
  2 hours ago ·
  Brienne Ritzenhein Postema When we post in a public forum like this it is expected that people will disagree. There are just too many opinions. I'm not trying to be offensive just show the other side.
  2 hours ago ·
  Katie Mast Brienne I'm not one to get involved in family feuds ... And I'm not going to get into the issue.. But ur friend Clarrisa is out of line.
  2 hours ago ·
  Clarissa Chloe Viening-Butler ‎?? am I ?? I find that interesting.
  2 hours ago ·
  Katie Mast Yes you are. It's one thing to argue the point. It's another thing to attack the person you don't agree with. If you want to get into the legal standpoints of both I can check with my officers....
  about an hour ago ·
  Clarissa Chloe Viening-Butler It's not an attack. It's a deffense. And I believe that was just a threat.
  about an hour ago ·
  Clarissa Chloe Viening-Butler It's certainly not my goal to attack anyone- and I don't think I have even come close. I've simply spoken up for a friend and an issue- both of which are very dear to me. I don't know what "your officers" have to do with any of it, but I haven't said or done anything to harrass, harm, or attack anyone.
  about an hour ago ·
  Katie Mast Ok I don't know who u are. But asking my officers the laws/rights on such things as urinating and breatfeeding is not a threat. IRS getting clarification on the issue. But I'm done with this conversation. Bri is who I care about not you.
  about an hour ago ·
  Brienne Ritzenhein Postema
  Well, I'm not sure what happened earlier, but for some reason I was not able to see this post or thread for a while. It just disappeared. Anyway, I just wanted to say that FB is a public forum and I often post things that I dont expect everyone to agree with. I was not trying to offend anyone I was simply trying to promote a healthy discussion on a topic that I feel very passionate about. I did not type anything out of anger or aggression. I did not intend to accuse or offend, just discuss. I am truly looking forward to seeing every Saturday and, yes, I will be nursing my beautiful baby. But not because I am trying to piss anyone off but because that is what I believe in. Hope everyone is well and I love you all :)
  4 minutes ago · · 1 person
  
  Oh and this in my in-box
  Cheri Postema Noorman
  I have disagreed with your views on Breastfeeding, as I'm sure you know. It was uncalled for, for you to post on my wall because you were pissed that I don't see it the way you do. You should have just skipped over it..... I've never posted how wrong I think your views are & again, you need to respect the rights of others... and you don't. But you expect us to respect yours..... I'm allowed to not agree with your views, just as you don't agree with the way I see it. You didn't need to write a nasty post....
  21 minutes ago
  Brienne Ritzenhein Postema
  it wasnt meant to be nasty and I wasnt pissed.

Mustache Ahoy!

2011-05-01T09:06:00.002-04:00

Neil says that he is exempt from Mustache Month because he has a glorious beard. Is this really a rule? I dont like this rule. I dont think there should be exemptions during Mustache Month.

Dumpster Diving

2011-04-30T22:11:00.002-04:00

We got a 20 yard dumpster this weekend and we are getting rid of things, including half of our yard. Neil and Dave pulled out the 5 large lilac bushes in the middle of our front yard. I removed the wood around the bushes and trees as well as along the driveway and walkway. We are going to get some new grass going this week. The wood was all so rotten. It had been sitting in the ground for 20 years so I shouldnt be surprised.

All the old carpet, boxes, wood, household crap, bushes, etc have been tossed into the dumpster and it is filling up quickly. Feels good to see it go.

Mommy Confession #1 - Soap?

2011-04-27T10:01:00.002-04:00

I feel a lot of guilt over this but it's time to come "clean" ..... sometimes I let my kids go for over a week without a shower or bath. I just despise the whole routine! It's such a pain in the ass. Summer time is great because they play in the pool or sprinkler a lot and I feel less guilty over it. I just had to get that off my chest.

Gingi what? (Envision Scooby Doo)

2011-04-07T08:58:00.003-04:00

I have been lazy lately. Not with the kids or the house but taking care of myself. I'm tired at the end of the night and I have been making too many excuses so I fall asleep with my make up on and my teeth unbrushed.

I guess it caught up with me because I got Gingivitis for the first time in my life. I've never even had a cavity before so that was kind of a shock. I am super annoyed with myself for letting my health go but I guess its time to get back on track.

I also realized that I am not 20 anymore. Sure it's only 10 years and I am still young but it really does make a difference. I was 22 when I had Raene and things bounced back easier and my body took less of a hit when I wasnt kind to it. I got lectured by the dental hygienist for not realizing that lactating takes a lot away from my personal health and that I should be more vigilant about taking care of my mouth.

lesson learned. 50 year old dental hygienists will make you feel bad if you forget to brush your teeth at night. Oh and your mouth will start hurting.

Storage Living

2011-02-22T23:09:00.002-05:00

Neil ordered us the new carpet for the basement a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately, the sales guy at Menards failed to mention that the carpet was on backorder. In fact, he told Neil it would be in the following week. So when Neil called to check on the status of the carpet, they sounded surprised and said they didnt know when the warehouse would be getting the next shipment in.

Great.

So we still have a torn up basement and all of our shit is scattered throughout the main floor.

I feel like my house is a constant mess and it's not the kids fault for once.

Ice Cubes in the Toilet, Spoons in the freezer, and Inside-out PJs

2011-02-03T00:11:00.002-05:00

These are the things Raene's teacher told her to do in order to get a snow day. Raene followed them to a tee and we got 2 snow days! Whoohoo!

Why am I still up? Because I relish having some alone time in a quiet house. I just feel peaceful when the whole house is still.

It was awesome and strange to be shoveling and look down the road and see Dave and Jack just a few houses away. The kids wanted to keep yelling at them but the neighbors would not have appreciated that.

Snow Rocks! I love living in Michigan.

It washes out the poo

2011-01-30T22:45:00.002-05:00

We finally got the new washer installed next to the new dryer that we got last week. I let Neil buy whatever he thought was best and he got me a front loader (which I think is sweeeeeeet!) However, its a high efficiency washer which ultimately is awesome but we use cloth diapers. Cloth diapers are very absorbent and with only 2-4 inches of water sloshing around in there it's not really getting them clean. I've had to do some research online to find out what others have done and found a few good tricks. I also make my own laundry detergent and was really bummed at first because I thought I couldnt use it anymore. However, I have found a few websites that show me how to adjust the homemade detergent for HE washer use.

I must also say that, for once, I am grateful to have had Larry around. Neil had to work when the washer was getting delivered and Neil asked Larry if he would come over to stay with me and the kids while they delivered and hooked it up. The guys turned out to be really creepy and the one installer made a couple of crude passes at me. Thank goodness Larry was there to pause unnecessarily between each phrase and assert all of his washing machine knowledge upon them. This bombardment got them out of the house quickly.

Carpetless Concrete

2011-01-30T22:33:00.003-05:00

This is what our crappy basement looks like since the flood. After 2 major floods and 3 mini ones, Neil and I finally ripped all the carpet out. Hopefully we will be getting new (very CHEAP) flooring this week.

Mmmmmm chemical goodness

2011-01-28T10:13:00.002-05:00

I want to febreze my entire house. It smells. I think I will be steam cleaning with bleach once the basement dries out. We had to tear the last of the carpet padding out last night. There was one room that still had padding in it and now the entire basement is "padding-free."

Thank Goodness This Isnt a Kevin Costner Movie

2011-01-26T10:43:00.002-05:00

because Water World sucked ass.

The basement flooded again last night. This time our washing machine broke and kept filling while I was off at the school picking up the kids. What a fun thing to come home to.

We just bought a new dryer and Neil had to put 4 new tires on his van the other day. So now we have to buy a new washer and a dehumidifier. So much for paying off the van this month. However, if we stay on track we may be able to get it paid off next month.

At least this finally gets us in "clean out" mode. We dont need to keep all this junk.

I Can Feel It In My Butt Pocket

2011-01-24T10:44:00.003-05:00

I feel like we are finally going to get out of debt - this year. We have already cut our debt in half in the last few years and its really starting to snowball now. We still have a LOT to go but we are buckling down even with the unexpected large purchase of a new dryer and new faucet (and I have a bad feeling a new dishwasher is in the near future).

Last month I opened a separate checking account and every two weeks we have the grocery and gas money directly deposited. It has made things very tight for me but it's great overall. Even though I have less money to work with, I am in control of it. If we run out of food, it's my fault for not planning properly.

Back Open for Business

2011-01-24T00:14:00.002-05:00

I decided to open my blog back up to the whole internets again. Hopefully I wont feel the need to close it again. I'm also hoping this gives me the edge I need to do more posting.

It's Expandable

2011-01-06T22:12:00.002-05:00

We've had a table with only 3 chairs for 7 years now. It was fine when Raene was a baby and even worked out when Ruby was using a high chair but for the last 3 years we have been eating dinners around our coffee table.

Well, no more!

We have acquired a pre-owned IKEA table with 2 leaves and 8 chairs! Yay for eating dinner at the dinner table!

Please someone 'Dare Me,' then I will have to do it

2010-12-30T09:11:00.003-05:00

It's Resolution Time. I have one major goal for this year ..... SLOW DOWN!

I take on too much. I don't get to enjoy spending

time with my kids. Isn't this the major reason I am a stay-home-mom? So that I can be with them. I can give you all the financial reasons too but I will never get this time back.

So, for 2011, I must learn to say "no."

Cakes will be the first thing to go - I will only do cakes for Family and Close Friends - they will be my gift to them. The garden is getting cut in half. I do the PTC to benefit the kids so that will

remain very active but I will give up a couple of duties at the beginning of the next school year.

Here's to a less stressful, more playful, NEW YEAR!

Wasted Metal

2010-07-12T10:18:00.003-04:00

Neil finally got motivated to sell our Dodge Caravan a few months ago however shortly after we put it up for sale it quit starting. After a few weekends of trying everything under the sun to get it to work the conclusion was reached that it must be a computer issue which we couldn't fix here at the house.

Neil was going to take it to the dealership for an evaluation but he hasn't yet. It's been sitting in our driveway with a 'For Sale' sign on it but we can't sell it, because it's not running and we need to get enough out of it to pay off the rest of the loan.

Oh yeah, Not Running but still Paying for it!

Today, I was attempting to drive the Mercury Villager out of the neighborhood to pick up some sleeping bags (yay for cheap-ass stuff on Craigslist) for our camping trip at the end of the summer when the brakes decided to stop working. We just had the brakes fixed on the damn thing when we went on our trip to IL.

So now I have two silver vans sitting in my driveway and I cant drive either one of them. We had better have a working van before I have this baby next week.

At least it's not a pack a day

2010-07-10T12:33:00.002-04:00

Over the 4th of July weekend, Neil decided that he wanted to grill. Our grill is very old, rusty (and he never cleans it). So he went looking for a used charcoal grill on Craigslist. What he found was a charcoal grill/smoker in good shape for $20.

So Neil's newest obsession/hobby is smoking meals. So far, he has made beer brats, smoked cheeseburgers and todays project is smoked pulled pork. He's been at it since 5am.

It's fun watching him learn the ropes of the kitchen. He's very into figuring out his own recipes and getting the spices just right. I think he want's to try smoked meatloaf next.

Several good things have come out of this - first and foremost - I don't have to cook. Second, I've got him looking at local butcher shops with me (yay for hormone free, grass fed beef!). Third, he's been home for entire days spending time with the kids and hanging outside (wow! sunlight!). And fourth, I don't have to cook.

The biggest downfall I have found is that once he starts up that thing the alcohol comes out. He was having a glass of whiskey at 8am this morning. He drank beer the entire day on Monday. I guess that's the trade off.

Yay for food that I don't have to make!

Scratch that off

2010-07-09T12:15:00.002-04:00

The Dog Pooped! Surgery is avoided. Going back to the vet can be removed from the To-Do list.

12 days to go.

I know that I could get it all done if I would just stop adding things to my list.

A Superbug AND Dog Vomit?!

2010-07-07T09:03:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a loooooong day.

Went to my grandparents to go swimming and the kids had a ton of fun but that really whipped us. Then my MIL was supposed to come over to watch Raene and Ruby for about an hour while I had a dentist appointment. When she showed up she had Cheri's kids, Josh and Ashley, with her.

Normally, I would love to see our niece and nephew but had Aleta told me that she was watching them I would have found someone else to watch the girls because we found out a few days ago that their older sister, Krista, has MRSA. Yes - MRSA! An antibiotic resistant super-bug!

Why the fuck would you bring two possible carriers of something that can kill you into the house of a woman who is 9months pregnant?!

Unfortunately I was unable to deal with the situation right away because I had to get to the dentist asap and then get my dog directly to the vet. Neil fed Luna a corn cob this weekend and she has been throwing up ever since. Vomiting all over the carpet that I just steam cleaned in hopes of keeping it semi-clean before the baby arrives in two weeks!

I dowsed the kids in sanitizer and ran to the vet and the xray showed that she probably has a blockage and we have to watch for the next 24 hours. They gave her some meds to help move things along but if it doesn't clear up then she needs surgery to remove it. My poor dog!

When I got to come home I had to bath the kids and sanitize my ENTIRE house. Seriously, the kids even touched all the infant toys. Why?! Why would and 8 and 10 year old feel the need to mess with baby toys? I'm not mad at the kids but when you spend hours up to your elbows in bleach and your 9 months pregnant it can make you a wee bit cranky.

What was my MIL thinking?! What was Neil thinking?! I need a break.

Beautiful Wedding

2010-06-26T23:42:00.002-04:00

We drove down to Woodstock, IL for T-Dog and Megan's wedding last weekend. Here is my version of the adventure.

- Left an hour and a half late because Neil hadn't packed.

- Arrived in Chicago and hour and a half late in the middle of rush hour bumper to bumper traffic.

- Van starts smoking in the middle of rush hour traffic. Pull off into the ghetto to discover that there is no antifreeze and get a "lesson" in vehicle maintenance from a local dude "offering" (aka yelling at traffic) oil changes in his back yard.

- Back on the road. Ruby drinks too much water and has to pee while stuck in rush hour traffic. Gas station bathroom in the ghetto has no toilet paper and Ruby makes a mess in her pants.

- Back on the road in rush hour traffic, 20 min later and Ruby has to pee. Again. I climb into the backseat with a cup. Ruby pees on me and the floor but does get some in the cup.

-Back on the road in rush hour traffic. The break pressure starts to fail on the van. Oh yeah, and Ruby has to pee. Gas station bathroom has no toilet paper. Again. Thoughts of getting a rental car start to creep in.

- Back on the road and traffic is finally moving a little and Ruby has to pee. Big Ol' Pregnant me climbs into the back again but this time the cup caught it all. One victory.

- Make it to the hotel and luck brought us a mechanic right next door. Oh yeah, and they were honest and reasonable!

- Dinner with T-Dog, Matt and Apryl? Ummmmm No, I was covered in pee. Hotel pizza instead.

- Next day - Big storms! 80+ mph winds. No power to the church or reception hall. Gigantic light pole falls on Ma and Pa Torreson's van while they are driving to the rehearsal. Super scary but everyone was alright.

- Rehearsal by candle light.

- Wedding Day! Gigantic donuts from Uncle Matt that Ruby said looked like her brain.

- Church powered by generators. The baby sat on my bladder for 3 hours straight. The kids got restless and tired during the ceremony but the bride was gorgeous and the wedding was beautiful!

- The reception was hot and muggy but everyone had a great time.

- Took the kids back to the hotel to discover that Ruby was allergic to some part of her dress and had hives all over her body but I brought Benadryl in the first aid kit. Go Mom!

- The trip home started late. Again. Because Neil wasn't packed or ready. Again.

- Ruby drank too much water and had to pee just as we entered Chicago. Again. So we stopped for a bathroom break and a Father's Day lunch.

- landed at an arcade called Game World and Legoland. We had so much fun that we missed stopping at the museum before it closed.

- Got home late but kept the kids up way past bed time to see Toy Story 3.

- Picked up Luna, who missed us so much that she couldnt stop crying.

- Realized that Dan had moved most of his stuff to his new place in the few days we were gone. Strangely empty basement.

- The baby did not come early so now she can come anytime she's ready but if she waits until my surgery is scheduled that would be best.

Busy Bees

2010-06-06T10:02:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel like a worker bee who just buzzes around doing things for the survival of the colony and is never really noticed. I do bring this on myself a lot. I know I make more work than I need to but it's kind of a compulsion. I give things up now because I physically can't do it anymore with the baby and then the extra guilt sets in. Boooooo! I hate that I do this to myself!

I think it was the year for forgetting my birthday. I normally don't care about my birthday. In fact, usually I forget my birthday and someone else remembers a few days before. This year, I was really hoping for some cute kids handmade cards. That's all I wanted. Instead, I was not feeling well, my dad forgot to call and Neil didn't remember until about 3pm at which point he rushed home around 4 asking if we all wanted to go out to dinner. The kids weren't told until we were ordering food that it was my birthday. Oh well! I get little notes from the kids all the time that say things like "I love you mom!" or "Thank you for the yummy dinner!" So I guess I can't really complain :)

The 64 Tacos Party went well. Although, I forgot to take pictures. Maybe next year. I have also learned that I need to buy more meat. 8lbs was not enough this year. Also on the agenda for next year: a chart and some stop watches to get a clear winner and I need to keep in mind some kind of awesome taco eating trophy or prize.

6 and a half weeks until this baby is born. Lots to do. Not really. It just feels that way. I'm in nesting/cleaning mode right now. Everything has to be ready or else the world will end. This is difficult because Dan is in house closing limbo - which means that I can't move around kid/baby toys yet because I'll have to move them again after he moves out, which would be just a waste of time. And Ted's wedding is coming up leaving me 4 weeks once we get back to truly get the house organized and cleaned. Why do I care? Because my mom will be staying here helping with the kids for a week. Much of that time I will be in the hospital. Does it really matter? No. But when those nesting urges take over it just seems so imperative.

This school year really needs to end. Now! Just have to make it to Friday. Come on summer break!

Life is Complicated when you're a grown up

2010-04-09T09:29:00.002-04:00

New things are happening every day. I suppose that's true no matter how hectic life is but bigger changes are more noticeable.

We don't really know how much longer we will be living in this house. And Larry makes it less desirable almost daily. We are meeting with our realtor next week to discuss a plan of action.

My lovely awesome van will be sold soon. We just have to fix up our older van that we bought from my grandparents. It broke down about 2 weeks ago and we think it's the fuel pump. As soon as the older van is up and running and the newer van has new tie rods then we will be eliminating the monthly payment by selling it. I will be sad to see her go but I have also mentioned selling it to Neil before in order to be more financially stable. I think life was too chaotic for him for a while to consider adding another thing into the mix though.

Today we have been married for 7 years. A lot can happen in that time. The years have been so tumultuous for us but each obstacle has only proven to make us a stronger couple and help us grow together. We are much different now than when we met but I think we are better also. Neil says I have made more changes than him but mostly I believe I just recentered myself and reprioritized. Neil is still going through some major changes right now but we are working together and supporting each other and that's what is truly important.

It's crazy and hectic but I really do love my family and my life.

Copper or Wool?

2010-04-03T11:21:00.002-04:00

Our 7th anniversary is coming up on Friday. I guess traditional gifts are things made of copper or wool. We wont be getting eachother gifts though. Instead it's a night out courtesy of one of the owners of Neil's company. He gave Neil a gift card to Carraba's last week so we are getting free food.

However, we are paying a babysitter. A 12 year old babysitter. Yikes! I don't think I have ever let a kid watch my kids. It's our niece, Krista. She's really responsible and the kids love her. Plus, we will only be gone a few hours so I think it will be fine. I started babysitting when I was 12. It just feels weird and a bit unnerving. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy the food and the company of my husband and not think about the kids the whole time.

Apparently, I spoke too soon

2010-03-27T20:06:00.003-04:00

Well, I thought that Neil and I had agreed to that we were done with 3 kids no matter what the outcome but apparently that may not be the case. Neil still wants a boy someday. What does that mean for us? That means we get the heck out of this house! That means I would be putting off my education even longer. That means that we work longer, retire later (if ever), and seek a doctors advice and get lots of books on trying to conceive a specific sex baby.

Sure, I never pictured myself having a bunch of girls. Before we had Raene, I really thought I would have all boys and be truly happy with that. But things change and I'm happy with all girls. I don't need a boy to make my life better or different. I also understand Neil's reasonings for wanting one. And if that means that we don't close the door on the possibility of having another kid then, so be it.

I would adopt in a heartbeat if Neil wanted to but he doesn't like that option. So here we are trying to figure out the future and this baby isn't even born yet.

all that stuffing

2010-03-21T10:15:00.002-04:00

I cleaned out a bunch of toys from the kids room yesterday. 9 garbage bags worth! 5 of them were full of stuffed animals. The back of my van barely closes and today I am making a trip to Goodwill. The kids don't realize a bunch of their stuff is gone and I highly doubt they will. What kid needs that much stuff? I don't usually buy toys for my kids but our families sure do - they go way overboard. I still need to clean out some more things but I already feel better having the big purge out of the way.

The gigantic desk in our bedroom is going soon too. I can't wait for that!

The wheels in my head are turning

2010-03-10T10:58:00.002-05:00

I love being on the PTC! Sure, I'm not getting paid and I end up doing a lot of work and I'm already pretty stressed but I feel like I am doing so much good for the kids. Next year is going to be kinda crazy because the president of the last 9 years and our treasurer (who works at the school and has been there for at least 6 years) are both leaving. Since I am one of 5 regulars that means I am going to be nominated for a position and hopefully I will be taking over the secretary or the vice presidents jobs because I don't have the knowledge or flexibility to do the treasurer or the presidents job.

I've been thinking a lot about the future and what kind of changes are going to be happening. I still want to go back to school but can't just yet. So, I am going to stick with the PTC (obviously) and in a few years, when this baby is older (as well as Jack) I am going to put my name on the parapro substitute list. At least I can get paid for being at the school some days. Then I could take online classes to eventually get into the fields I really want to be in - environmental work or a nutritionist of some kind.

It's all a long way off and would need a lot of fine tuning for a true plan to be set in place. But I like the idea of having options, even if I don't end up using them. I like knowing that I have an 'in' with the school plus I feel like I am doing something helpful and productive in the meantime.

The Ugliest Cake I have ever made

2010-02-14T09:09:00.002-05:00

All by request.....

Cake. I'll give you cake!

2010-02-07T09:04:00.002-05:00

Right now I hate making cakes. I find that making a cake for someone I care about is completely fun but getting cake requests from strangers or acquaintances makes me cringe. Plus, I really just don't have a lot of extra time on my hands.

There's a friend of a friend whom I've met once before. She's nice enough but her personality is a bit over-the-top (even for me). She wants a birthday cake that is an "explosion of color." She wants it to be crazy and glittery and with things shooting out of it. I really just want to cram it in her face. She thinks every cake I make is the next great masterpiece and that I can do no wrong. I don't even want to start. It's going to look like Punky Brewster threw up on it. Stupid commissioned cakes.

Lots of Tears today

2010-01-25T15:03:00.002-05:00

Tears of fear, pain and ultimately happiness, in that order.

I know I am more prone to crying since I am pregnant but I think these were pretty justified.

I was getting ready for my appointment to have the catheter taken out, went into the bathroom and found blood. Bright, red blood is not something you are supposed to find when you are pregnant.

I called the doctors office as I sped to my appointment and they said they would get me right in.

Got there and they couldn't find any blood but she also didn't find the heart beat right away. Horrifying moment. Because my uterus is still tilted back (just not as much apparently) she actually had to lift my uterus from the inside in order to get an external heartbeat on the baby. But she did find it and then there was a bit of relief.

She decided to take out the catheter since my uterus had moved, like she hoped. Ouch!!

Baby is healthy and fine. No blood in/around my uterus or cervix. Insane appointment.

Now I'm exhausted from all the crying but I get to pee by myself and I have a healthy baby.

My sack is totally retro

2010-01-21T15:57:00.003-05:00

Although not in a cool way.

Went to the doctor yesterday and discovered that I have a retroflexed uterus. Which basically means that my uterus is pointing backwards instead of slightly forwards. This is something that should naturally correct itself as the baby grows becoming more vertical. She's not positive but thinks that maybe this could be the cause of my inability to urinate.

The entire appointment felt like a guessing game which really didn't help my confidence level but I supposed I'll take what I can get. She said I could either leave the catheter in for a bit longer or she could teach me to self catheterize. Then she decided that she didn't have the supplies or the want to teach me to self catheterize so she wanted me to leave it in until Monday. Hopefully on Monday my uterus will have straightened out enough to get this pee bag off of me. Until then I just get to continue being extremely uncomfortable all the time.

How much money can we spend on hospital bills?

2010-01-19T17:45:00.002-05:00

Apparently my body is fucked up. Last week I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't pee. I got worried, thinking maybe I was dehydrated and drank a bunch of water. After a little while I was able to go but I had to force it out. It stayed like that all day but seemed to slowly ease off as the day progressed.

On Friday we took Raene to the Med Center who sent us to the ER because Raene had gastroenteritis. Really bad painful gas that gets trapped in your intestines and causes spasms. I get this quite often. It is extremely painful. We spent $150 in copays to find out she had bad gas.

Saturday morning I woke up with the worst bladder infection I've ever had in my life. I was in tears and really didn't leave the bathroom. In fact, I called my Dr from the toilet to get a prescription. I told her I just spend too much money on copays and didn't want to go the the med center and spend another $50 just to have the write me a scrip for something so obvious. I managed to get that prescription 3 hours later after a lot of back and fourth phone calls about whether or not the rx had actually been called in since the pharmacy had no record of it. But, at last, there was success.

Two days of pain when I had to pee were finally starting to get better but then came Monday.

I woke up at 3:30am with a full bladder and the need to go but nothing would come out. I tried waiting and after an hour of pain I started to freak out and did some internet searching. Everything said "go the the ER." We called Larry and Aleta to watch the kids and left for the ER at 5:30am.

At the hospital the did an ultrasound of my bladder and discovered that it was, in fact, excruciatingly full and ordered me a catheter to drain it. Thank Goodness!! Only took them an hour of me waiting around in pain to get to that one. The catheter drained over a liters worth of urine.

They did an ultrasound on the baby and the little guy/gal was fine. But since my urine came back clean and they didn't see any swelling anywhere they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Sooooo, they sent me home for two days with a catheter strapped to my leg. Yay! A dream come true. I've always wanted to be in constant pain and get to wear my own pee.

I have an appointment with the OBGYN tomorrow to discuss this problem and try to figure out what is wrong with me. I am hoping there are some answers then. Until then, I get to wear a pee bag.

No Resolution

2010-01-07T10:30:00.002-05:00

The holidays were great overall this year. I can still hardly believe it but I got very few gifts this year and only received one useless crappy gift. The only gifts I got were some clothes and a water filter from my mom and some money from my dad. My cousin drew my name for secret Santa and got me a necklace and some stinky lotion (anyone who knows me well doesn't buy me smelly soaps and lotions). But I will successfully dodge that next year because we convinced my mom's side to only buy for kids next year. No more Secret Santa! Yay!!

The girls made out well this year too! Mostly crafts and books from both sides of the family. Sure there were some Barbies and other girly crap but I didn't have to hunt all over the house for places to put more junk! I feel like our families are finally getting the hint. We just want to spend time with them!

2010 officially arrived and I am not making any resolutions this year. I'm having a baby. That doesn't mean that I can't have goals but I feel like I load my plate too high all the time. And that with two kids, this crazy pregnancy and soon the new baby, that I am going to need to be flexible and not so hard on myself. Something I started last year that I do need to keep up though, is a positive self image. No more losing weight, no more obsessing over my skin. Last year I realized that all these things are going to affect my kids more and more so I stripped my vocabulary of things that were negative about my body and appearance. Now I use the word "healthy" a lot. And I truly have given up trying to remake myself. I eat well, exercise, and take care of myself. Those things are enough to keep me happy. My body and appearance are going to change and I am just going to have to go with the flow on it. So far it's been a much easier change than I originally thought. I am truly just happy with who I am.

I really believe everything else will fall into place when it needs to this year. I have an amazing husband and two beautiful kids and another life is on the way. I'm always growing and changing and trying to be better. This year is going to be great!

There's no place like home for the holidays

2009-12-16T16:01:00.002-05:00

Due to some abhorrent infighting within my family this year, we are not hosting Christmas for the first time in about 5 years. Whoohoo!!!!! I feel badly that the family is so divided at the moment but I truly am relieved to have a break from hosting the holidays.

I find that the holidays get harder and harder every year since we are not Christians. I had to explain the manger scene to the kids recently and it's a difficult line to toe when you have to tell your kids that "we don't believe this but other people do. However, you can choose to believe whatever you want." We celebrate Christmas, technically, but I actually get offended when people refuse to acknowledge that other groups celebrate different holidays this time of year. Some get so offended by having a holiday party or a holiday tree. How does including more than one group of people make your Christmas any less significant? It's not like they are walking into your home and saying that you can only have a holiday tree and not a Christmas tree. It makes me feel like some Christian's think that their religion is the only one that counts. It's not about being politically correct all the time its about including other people and coming together. Anyway, I'm done ranting about that now.

Santa comes every year but we have never indulged the kids in the idea of being able to go see Santa at the mall and ask him in advance for what you want. We have mulled over the idea of letting the kids write a letter and "mailing it" but I'm really unsure about the idea of letting the kids ask for a bunch of toys that we probably wont buy them since our kids don't get gobs of toys at Christmas anyway.

We do, however, put a lot of effort into homemade items. We make cookies and decorations to give as gifts. This year this kids made two gifts. Ornaments for the adults and bookmarks for their cousins. Since I bought all books for the nieces and nephews the bookmarks seemed to fit with the theme.

Okay off to dig for more food in this house. I feel like I graze non stop to ward off nausea but it hasnt been helping much lately.

First months of joy

2009-12-06T11:56:00.002-05:00

and by joy, I mean utter misery. I've been doing much better this time around than I did with the first two. I know how to head off the morning sickness a bit quicker most of the time and I am trying to stay up beat even though I am thoroughly exhausted most of my day. I've been in bed by 9:30pm a lot the last few weeks. We are now 6 and a half weeks along. Only another 33 to go! Although I am sure that the queasies and the constant lethargy will ease up in the next 6-4 weeks.

Right now I am in love with anything that has spinach in it. The other day, Jaime came over with some oven snackies for our ladies night and they spinach in them! She didn't even know how much I had been craving it. Best snacks ever! I could also eat fruit all day long. I really want some sushi but it's a no-no for the next 7 months :(

In the nasty news department, I asked Neil if he could get the drain unscrewed to the bathtub because I knew there was a clog and the drain cleaner wasn't helping. I'm so glad that he got the gigantic hair ball out because I was going to vomit with just his description of it.

The race is on until Christmas so for your viewing pleasure ... here is a picture of our Santa Dragon.

Who says 3 kids can't share a room?

2009-11-24T06:16:00.002-05:00

It's official! We are having another baby! #3 is a little over 4 weeks old and will be joining the world in July. We're really happy and excited and a bit nervous. My due date is July 29th but since I usually have c-sections it will probably be closer to the 22nd. We are not telling my mom's side of the family yet because my brother and his wife are expecting as well and they want to tell everyone in Dec when they are home for the holidays. They are due two weeks before us so we are going to tell everyone jointly. It's going to be an awesome surprise - that is, if one of the kids doesnt decide to tell the family during Thanksgiving this week.

I want a Snuggie

2009-11-21T08:46:00.004-05:00

These are some crazy days lately.

My best friend has had to go from elation to despair in just a short time. I want to be there for her as much as possible. I have been there myself but each experience is different.

Last night I found out that one of my other very close friends is having to deal the discovery that her dad has cancer. I love my friend and her dad always treated me like I was another one of his kids. I love him so much and it's devastating to hear.

There was a lot of crying and a lot of laughter last night. It was the weekly ladies night at my house. There were lots of lingering hugs. We lit some candles and shared some peaceful thoughts. Then had a moment of silence for the baby who will not be born.

So much has been happening lately. I've come here to blog several times and just stared at the computer screen.

Our basement had another mini flood. The toilet downstairs leaked for WEEKS and soaked through the wall into the room behind it (we use it for storage but it is supposed to be Neil's office). I went in there to look for something and it stunk, then my socks were wet. The mattress and boxspring that we dont use were propped up at the wall. I moved them and found mold. Neil is taking them to the dump as I type this.

Larry made fun of me. Yes, you read that right. He went out of his way to show me how he was going waste paper towel since we don't buy it.

Both Neil and Larry think the wall and carpet are salvageable. I think there is mold inside the wall. Since the wood on the outside was moldy that tells me that the mold on the inside is probably moldy. But no one seems to care what I think on this matter since it costs money to repair things like that. It makes me want to take a sledge hammer to the wall when no one else is home. Not that I would do that since there are pipes back there - and, yes, the pipes are the reason I haven't :)

I have been baking cakes like a maniac it seems lately. I have sold several of them. We are trying to get a website up and I need to get some business cards printed. Biggest problem is that I can't register as a business because I dont have an industrial kitchen but I have to be careful not to get caught trying to sell them. However, I like making money on the side and it would be nice to branch out and network for more sales. Feeling a bit stuck.

The garden is prepped for next year which is exciting. We are going to try to buy some UV lights and start our plants from seed indoors this year. I have no idea how this is going to work yet and we dont really have space in our house to put a bunch of seeds but it seems like a worthwhile endeavor. I wanted a greenhouse in the yard but Neil doesn't think its practical in this house. He's right but trying to find space indoors for UV lights and a bunch of plants isnt really practical either.

If I posted more often these damn updates wouldnt be so long.

Did I mention that all my baking caused the carbon monoxide detector to go off at 12:30am and we had to call the fire department to come investigate the cause? We had to drag the kids out of bed and wait outside while they walked through our house, which looked like the inside of a trailer which no one ever cleaned because they were smoking pot all day long. There were crumbs everywhere from the baking, you couldn't see the floor because of toys and crafts and the whole place smelled because of the water in the basement. We brought them cookies and homemade cards a few days later for having to put up with our nastiness.

Time to stop bitching.

Cold Porcelain

2009-10-12T10:22:00.004-04:00

This weekend was awful! I rarely get very sick. And if I do get sick, I just push through it. Too much to do, too little time. This time I got sicker than I have been in about 5 years. I had my head in the toilet for an entire night, fever, chills and then sweats. At one point I got so dehydrated that every muscle in my body seized up and I couldn't move for about 10 minutes. My hands wouldn't uncurl and my back and legs were just stuck, then in the middle of it I got a charley horse in each calf but I couldn't move to try and ease the pain. It was horrible.

Neil was also sick. He had a really nasty cold. I was really afraid the kids were going to get what we had but we were lucky they really only got a slightly sore throat and a tiny cough.

The worst part was missing Jacks First Birthday party and not being able to make his cake. I was over half way done with it but I inadvertently had been working on it while I was sick so I couldnt, in good conscience, give a one year old a germ filled cake even if it did look cool. But I heard that it went great and he had a wonderful birthday.

I have been disinfecting the house since Sunday morning. There's still more to do. I've lost an entire weekend during the busiest time of the year for us. Not cool.

The Smell of Savings

2009-10-06T12:38:00.002-04:00

I normally dont like Family Fare. They are overpriced. But they do run good deals. If you just stick to the deals you can save a lot. Because the one near our house closed and the workers condensed into a newly remodeled store just down the road they have been having a lot of "Grand Opening" specials. Today, I scored big time. With coupons and advertised deals, I spent $36 on $80 worth of food. And I've got a nice stockpile of canned corn, green beans and peas because they were 4/$1 (limit 12 per variety so I bought 36 cans). That makes me happy.

7 seaters are apparently the way to go

2009-09-26T13:38:00.002-04:00

My grandparents decided that they wanted to put their van up for sale. It's a 1997 Mercury Villager. They want $500 for it.

Our Mazda 626 has been sitting dead in our driveway for well over a year now. It will cost at least $500 to repair because it also needs all new tires after sitting in the driveway for so long.

Neil doesnt want to walk to work (especially in the winter) and I need the car all day long now because Raene is in school full day and Ruby half day so I make 3 trips up to the school everyday for drop off and pick ups.

Neil had Dave do a 12 point inspection on the van and wants to buy it from them. It has some problems but it will run for a while if Neil keeps up on the fixes. He thinks the extra van will be good for hauling his drums around.

In less than a week will own two silver vans.

Class Dismissed

2009-09-21T16:47:00.002-04:00

I had a meeting with the Principal and the School Counselor at the kids school about Raene today. It has been a rough start to the year. Raene's anxiety is getting worse and she has been doing some strange counting that is often associated with OCD. I had been wondering if maybe being in a different classroom would be a good route to take because she seems to be going backwards and not moving forwards so far. The whole thing is very complicated and I'm not even sure how to explain it all in this forum but it has been a rough couple of weeks.

I am so glad that I set up the meeting though. I feel so much better. Raene is going to see the school counselor about once a week and the counselor might start a small group that would be for kids who are having trouble adjusting and making friends. I am also going to set up a meeting with Raene's teacher to discuss these issues that she is having so that she's being helped and not overlooked since Raene is internalizing all of her worries and not speaking up when she needs help. They have said that the teacher she has now is probably the perfect teacher for her so I am going to trust them for now and hope that things start to get a little better.

Raene had her first meeting with the counselor today and she also told me what a great day she had so it was a good way to start off the week.

Facebook is the portal to Hell. At least my ride isn't bad.

2009-09-13T16:58:00.004-04:00

I've been sucked to the darkside. I haven't been posting due to my obsession with Facebook. I get the immediate release of expressing myself through short, seemingly instant status updates. It's awesomely sickening. Granted I've had this for a while but I have been noticing my lack of posting lately. So I apologize to those of you who read my drivel for being so absorbed in the FB World.

I got a new computer chair yesterday. Yay for me. Apx 6 weeks ago Dan accidentally snapped the leg off of our crappy chair that we have owned since at least 2001. Do I care or blame him? No. A good lesson for not tipping in your chair. Sure. We moved a crappy chair that I bought at a garage sale for $5 into its place. The seat and back were each just a peice of cloth and the whole thing folded up. A few weeks ago Neil sat down too heavily into the chair and ripped the cloth off. Two chairs down.

Yesterday we went to buy Raene her mattress for her birthday and Neil saw these nice used office chairs. $39 later I have a super comfy, fly looking office chair. It's bitchin'!

Two hours of my life are gone

2009-08-18T20:09:00.002-04:00

I have kept in touch with a few of the moms from Raene's class over the summer. They are nice enough. We had planned to get the kids together at least once over the summer and since summer break is almost over it seemed like we had better get on that. So today I met one of the other moms at a park and we let the kids play on the jungle gym while we chatted.

Within 5 minutes of sitting down I was already regretting this playdate. This woman is nice enough but so superficial. She kept talking about not having a job and having no money but how she would drop $300 on clothes at the mall .... constantly. She told me that there was a specific store that she would only go into if she had at least $200 cash in her pocket because she knew she would spend that much every time. She couldn't buy even at Target. I wanted to vomit. You should have seen the disgusted look on her face when I told her I only shopped for clothes at Goodwill.

And to top off all of the craziness she kept jumping every two minutes thinking bugs were landing on her. She prefers to lay poolside instead of going to parks. I'll know for next time. If there ever is a next time.

I'm going to get sappy again

2009-08-17T20:13:00.002-04:00

When Raene was a baby, I didn't even try to keep friendships. If they didn't make the effort then that was it. I was so consumed by her and my new responsibilities as a parent that I just let it all slip. Thank goodness for those friends that stuck by me and made those efforts when I did not.

After Ruby, I came to realize how vital those connections were. I just love my friends so much. I truly do try and think of them often and make the extra effort. It's hard for me to watch my friends suffer through hard times but now I can't imagine not being there with them through it. It would break my heart if they suffered alone (or at least felt like they were alone).

RV's Are for Wusses

2009-08-15T17:09:00.002-04:00

I miss CAMPING! When I was a kid we went every year, at least once during the summer. Once we got old enough my parents started taking me and my brother to the Manitou Islands to camp. Those are some of my best childhood memories. South Manitou is a bit more tame. There are fire pits and outhouses and water pumps throughout. But North Manitou is total roughin it. No bathrooms. You have to dig a hole in the ground. You have to bring a water filter and sterno cans for cooking food. You can't have fires because there are no fire pits or camp sites. You just pitch a tent where you can find a small clearing.

I can't wait to start doing that kind of stuff with the kids!

This year we are meeting up with my cousins for a little camping on Lake Michigan. Nothing big. Just some beach time with meal in a camp ground and sleeping in tents. Oh and drinking and board/card games once the kids are asleep. Real camping, no. Fun, yes! I can't wait!!

The older the better

2009-08-13T12:09:00.003-04:00

I have come to love aging. Or maybe I just never got over the giddy feeling of childhood when your birthday comes and you try and figure out if you feel bigger or smarter.

I was thinking this morning that when I was younger I was always trying to figure out what people were thinking about me and then I would change my behavior to influence how they perceived me. In essence I was always hiding. It was easier to make people think you were a certain way than to face your own demons and then have people question them.

As an example, when I was barely a teenager I switched schools and suddenly had to make new friends. My parents were divorcing and I was bitter and unhappy. But I didn't want anyone to think of those things so I was overly happy and smiled all the time. I couldn't let them see me depressed.

Or when Raene was a baby and I was scared and unsure of everything I was doing, I became an overprotective mother who tried to control everything and anyone in my path to cover up my own insecurities. I couldnt' let them see that I was vulnerable.

Now, I am happier with my life because although I still care what people think but I don't change myself for them. I care about my own mental well being first. That's not to say that I don't still have flaws because we all know thats not true. I just feel like now if I have a problem, especially an emotional issue, I am better equipped to handle it. And I know that I can ask for help.

I haven't done a reflective post for a while so I guess it was about time :)

ready or

2009-07-16T13:41:00.002-04:00

not.

Apparently I'm not ready to be working outside the home in this capacity. I hate the new job and all the problems it brings so much that I put in my two weeks notice yesterday. I have cried so much in the last two weeks that I am a gigantic pile of mush.

I can't keep up with anything. And Neil has been putting in tons of extra hours again as well. I'm exhausted and feel like a terrible wife and mother all the time lately. I really wanted this job to work because all the perks seemed to make it worthwhile. But all the perks in the world can't make up for not being home taking care of the house, the kids and my husband.

I like being home with them, reading books and teaching them new things, making dinners, and taking care of the garden. I often feel overwhelmed at home but at least I like what I am doing and take great pride in it. I feel no pride in going to this job. No sense of purpose. I've been too overwhelmed to even take them places when I am home during the day lately because I am trying to play catchup with all the things around the house that are not being taken care of while I am gone in the evenings.

I could go into all the hardships and company failures actually on the job but I wont right now. I'm done. $8 an hour is not worth this amount of stress and lack of communication with my family.

Opportunities?

2009-07-10T22:02:00.002-04:00

I'm a week and a half into the new job now. It's been a difficult transition. Neil has been working extra hours again so he's gone as soon as I get home. I work apx 4-9pm every week night and I have Raene and Ruby with me for the first hour and a half. Essentially, I'm try to keep a whole bunch of kids from killing eachother while their parents workout for an hour or two. It's mentally and physically exhausting.

I keep having these dreams where I'm in that half awake/half asleep mode, right before I drift into a deep sleep. In the dreams there are crazy kids from my work room running all over our house. But because I am in that half and half state I keep waking myself up thinking it's real. Seriously. I have forced myself awake and walked around my house thinking there were really tons of kids in it. I think I may have even talked to some of them but you would have to ask Neil about that one.

I really want to like this job but so far I am not really enjoying it. I have a few kids that I just adore but there are some who make me want to scream. All this week I have had a one year old who likes to bite, hit and pull hair. I have to carry him around the whole time because if I turn my back for 30 seconds he is hurting someone. A couple of days ago I had two crying 5 month olds and 3 1 year olds all at the same time that 15 other kids were in there. It was insanity. And I haven't even gotten a chance to use my free gym membership in all this yet.

But two other good things have come out of this. So far, I have either walked to or biked home every night, which has been wonderful. Unfortunately, the bike needs some repairs so I have to walk until I decide what I am doing with that but I really do like walking since work is so close to home. And the other good thing is that I have made some new killer recipes in the crockpot for dinner. I have been trying to be good about making sure the kids eat balanced dinners since I'm not home to cook them and Neil will just make whole plates of chicken nuggets for dinner for them to share (no sides, just nuggets). So I have been trying all these new recipes and all but one has turned out great. I just wish I could be home to share them with my family instead of eating by myself when the kids are in bed and Neil has gone back to work.

All in all, it's a mixed bag. There are some thing about the job that are great and some that are awful.

Jaime's Birthday

2009-06-29T08:42:00.007-04:00

Jaime turned 28 on Saturday :D We met at Village Inn Pizza for some karaoke. It was a lot of fun. I wish we could have stayed longer. Dave got up and sang with an old friend. But we had to leave before Neil and Dave could do their duet and we missed Apryl singing as well. Still a fun night.

The surprised look of 'why isn't you're camera working?'

Jaime's first Long Island Ice Tea

Dave Singing

Growing Up is hard to do

2009-06-24T08:33:00.002-04:00

I start my new job next week, orientation is Friday. I have been so excited for the new job to start. Until just the other day. I realized for the first time how little time I would get to see Raene during the week. I guess it just didn't occur to me that she would be in school the whole day this fall. My job is from 4-8pm. So I will see Raene for an hour (maybe two on the outside) before school in the morning, an hour and a half after school when she comes to work with me, then Neil picks her up for dinner and bedtime, and I'll have a half hour at night helping get her to bed. That's 3, maybe 4, hours a day. I guess that's normal for most people who work but I've never been away from her that much. Her teacher will get to spend nearly 7 hours with her and I will get only half of that.

I just makes me really sad but motivated. I guess I will just have to optimize my time with her. Try to really focus my energy in a positive way when we are together and be sure that it's quality time. I think I just need a good cry right now.

Request Granted

2009-06-19T09:06:00.002-04:00

I got an email yesterday from my friends, brother's fiance (sent in my way through my friend). She asked me if I would be interested in making their wedding cake. Apparently they are trying to save money and having a dessert buffet and would like to use a small carrot cake for themselves to cut as their wedding cake. Interesting.

I agreed to make the cake and told her I wouldn't charge them and it would be my gift since I have always been close with the family and it's just a very small cake.

I'm not sure how I feel about this though. The references, I mean. I don't feel very confident in my abilities. I always think there is something wrong with my cakes or some way they could be better. And I'm still always learning. I've never taken a class and just tried to figure things out on my own or look them up online. People keep telling me I should open a shop but honestly, I see other peoples cakes and think they are so much better than mine. I love making cakes but feel guilty charging any kind of money for them. What the Heck is wrong with me?

That Skank Stanks

2009-06-12T15:27:00.003-04:00

Luna Taco got sprayed by a skunk last night. It wasn't a direct hit but when she decided to bark at it, it sprayed her through the fence. Dumb dog. That'll teach her. Actually it probably wont and she will probably do it again.

The Guilt Made me do it

2009-06-10T08:29:00.013-04:00

I'm feeling like a bad bad blogger right now.

Updates:
Dan is all moved into the basement and started up work.

Dave, Jaime and Jack made it into GR safe. We were very happy to see everyone and the 64 Tacos/welcome home party was a lot of fun.

Raene is done with kindergarten.

My new job is supposed to start soon.

Festival was a lot of fun this year.

My birthday was fun, I turned 28 and Neil took me out to Billy's.

Aly's wedding was beautiful. Raene and Ruby were adorable, even though Ruby almost caught herself on fire.

ummmmm the garden is coming along great!

yeah, I should post some pictures now.

(Faces painted at Festival)
(64 tacos party)
(Raene's last day of kindergarten - complete with a black eye)
(My birthday at Billy's)
(My first wedding cake!)
(Followed by the bachelorette party cake - filled with vanilla pudding)
(Bridal shower cake)
(Bridal shower cake)
(bottling wine for mine and my cousins birthday)
(chest bumping the bride)
many more pictures on facebook.

My Shedu is done with his twenties

2009-04-19T17:34:00.004-04:00

Neil turned 30 yesterday. We normally don't celebrate birthdays but I thought it would be appropriate to say goodbye to twenties and hello to the thirties. Unfortunately I was very last minute about putting anything together. I put out a message on facebook and sent a few personal invites to friends that we would be going down to Billy's. Matt and Apryl showed up we had a lot of fun. Neil's old college buddy Art came by as well. And I guess we missed Jake because we got down there a little later than we planned.

All in all it was a fun evening. Neil got drunk and was given a bunch of free Jager junk. After a while Matt, Apryl, Neil and I headed to a karaoke bar. Apryl wowwed the crowd and Neil made people get up and leave. It was awesome.

So Happy Birthday to my Shedu (yesterday) and I can't forget to say a Happy Birthday to Dan (tomorrow).

Oh the Possibilities!

2009-04-14T14:54:00.002-04:00

I was offered the job at The Score on Friday, as expected. I cried the entire day on Saturday. I couldn't shake this gut feeling that taking the serving/bar job would be wrong. I felt like, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. We need the money but a what price?

As I was driving home from the doctors office on Monday and I went through the Family Fare parking lot. And I saw this fantastic sign. Fitness 19 was putting a new gym in there. I went home and looked them up and found out that they offer childcare. So I immediately picked up the phone and asked if they were hiring. Sure enough they were and the gym fully opens in June. They interviewed me today and are going to call me for a second interview today or tomorrow and set up the time.

I am so excited. The flexibility would be amazing. I could bring the kids with me if I needed to. It's two minutes from home and Neil works within a quick walking distance. I want this job so badly. I hope I get it. Either way I called the Score and turned down the serving job. Heck I will check every business near my house if I have to but I am not going to do something that I know will be awful for my family even though the money is good.

Iron or Candy? What are the last 6 years worth?

2009-04-09T08:38:00.008-04:00

I have an amazing husband who loves to cuddle and talk for hours.
I have a thoughtful husband who asks about my day, unloads the dishwasher without being asked and sometimes brings me a single rose just because.
I have a sweet husband who wears his heart on his hair.
I have a patient husband who spends as much time as possible with his kids. Listening, laughing, playing, learning and teaching.
I have an imperfect husband who is always making a concious effort to be better.
I have a creative husband who can always bring me back to the day we met just by playing the Lemonhead song.
I have a loving husband who never forgets to tell me how much I mean to him.

I love you, Neil Edwin Postema. You are the hair that weaves this family together and the man who still melts my heart.

For the Rest of You ....
Today is our 6 year anniversary. What a crazy year it has been for our marriage! A lot of ups and downs but I believe we are much stronger for it. We're even planning on having another baby once our finances get back on track. That probably wont be until Fall of this year if all things go the way we would like them too. But most of the time things don't go as we plan so it's best for us just to 'go-with-the-flow' and to try and continuously grow as individuals and as a couple and to be the best partners for eachother and the best parents we can to the beautiful little girls we already created together.

I guess for 6 years together the traditional gift is something made of Iron. It is also known for giving candy or small objects made of wood. I doubt I will get anything but company but that's enough for me. My dad gave us a give card to the Gilmore Collection of restaurants for xmas. So I made a reservation for Neil and I to go to Mangiamo! - which used to be Gibson's. Sitting by an overly hot fire, surrounded by Shades of Blue singers, 6 years, 4 months and 4 days ago (12/5/02) Neil got down on one knee and proposed to me. It seems like the perfect night to be going back there.

This is us about 6 and half years ago :)

Sacrifice Sucks

2009-04-08T10:14:00.003-04:00

Neil tried to quit smoking again this weekend. He went two whole days as a jackass and then smoked two cigarettes on Monday and bought a pack again on Tuesday. He said he's quitting again tomorrow. So we get to start this fun cycle over again.

We owe a ton of money in taxes again this year and Larry said we have 6 months to catch up on our mortgage. So I am in the crappy position of having to go out and get more work. So now I will be working weekend nights at a sports bar called The Score on Northland Dr.

Hopefully it will only be for the summer and I should be able to start late enough that it doesn't conflict with any babysitting stuff I have going on. I doubt it will since most of my work will be on the weekend after 5 or 6pm. The drive sucks but the money will be awesome. The worst part is the strain this is going to put on our family but if we work hard at maintaining our "family time" it shouldnt be as bad as last time. We are better prepared for this shift and the hope is that it is temporary.

My full interview is tonight but I've already been told that I have the position. Yay me.

That Bitch has a Dog of an Owner

2009-04-02T14:44:00.002-04:00

I was just watching out my kitchen window as I was washing dishes and I saw this interesting scene.

Woman out walking her dog. Dog decides to take a shit next to my mailbox. She obviously has no baggie to clean up the dog shit. I see her grab the city newspaper that is hanging off the nail of my mailbox. My assumption is that she is going to use the plastic bag that my paper is in to clean up the dog poop and put the paper in my mailbox.

My thoughts are - "well, that's resourceful."

The dog owner proceeds to throw my newspaper (still in its bag) on the ground and take two steps over the the neighboring mailbox, belonging to the yard she is standing in, and take that newspaper off it's mailbox and throw it on the ground as well. Then she just walked away. Leaving behind her a big pile of dog shit and two newspapers littering the ground.

My next thought - "You fucking bitch! I hope someone comes along and leaves trash and dog shit in your yard."

Rain makes things colorful

2009-03-31T09:46:00.002-04:00

We reworked our budget again the other day and there is the chance that I wont have to go out and get a waitressing job on the weekends. We managed to get a few of our smaller credit cards paid off and out of the way which eleminates worrying about those payments. I've been trying to keep keep our food/misc shit budget under $1o0 a week, which is helping - but that doesnt usually include gas. And at times that is still too much but we're trying.

Neil is still working a lot of crazy long hours because the project he was so worried about getting done is now in testing phases. Which means that bugs pop up and need to be dealt with. And of course the company is taking the same hardline stance of "get it done or it's your ass". So he's been working like crazy again (not that he had much of a break from that attitude).

And I want to get the garden planted but the weather keeps dipping below freezing so I haven't been able to get the seeds in the ground. But the fence is up and the ground is mostly torn up so hopefully next week during Spring Break there will be nice enough weather that decides to stick around for the rest of the year. I've got my fingers crossed and I am praying to the Lemonhead.

Temp Work

2009-03-20T16:10:00.002-04:00

I got a surprising phone call a few days ago from Mel. Her husband, Mike, had his hours cut to avoid layoffs at the company so she went and got a job at a vets office in Rockford. However, because her 5(almost 6) year old is only in half days at school she needed day care. So she called me to see if I would watch Sebastian 3 days a week for about 4 hours each day. Occasionally I would have Chandler, who is 7, also when he has half days.

It seems kind of up in the air if I will have the boys in the summer. Mel sounds like she wants to pay a high school kid to stay at the house with them until Mike gets home from work because it will be cheaper and they will both be in full days next year so I wont have them this fall unless they have a half day of school or something.

It's not much extra but every little bit helps.

Ghetto Composting

2009-03-16T15:08:00.003-04:00

I created a starter makeshift ghetto compost area today. I had to be able to keep the dog out, at least temporarily, since the garden fence isn't up yet. and I needed to make it out of materials I had available to me since we have only $100 to last us two weeks for food and gas.

I used two really old wood pallets that have been laying around since we moved in. One is a wall to keep the dog out. The other is to block the view of the compost pile from the basement window that it sits near. I took a nasty old tarp to cover it and weighted it down with old cement chunks to keep out scavengers like squirrels. Eventually I will get 5 used wood pallets and nail them all together into a box. Hinged at the top and at the front panel for easy access. That will probably cost around $25-$30 total (including the hinges). We just can't spare it yet.

Oh and the little white gate is a leftover extension of a baby play yard that I let a friend borrow. It is hinged together so it makes a nice door for now - hehe.

Discoveries

2009-03-05T09:47:00.002-05:00

I completed the first phase of post winter yard clean up this morning: dog piles. It was discovered that Luna ate some things she probably shouldn't have over the holidays. I wish I hadn't discovered this. I still want to vomit a little.

Yesterday Neil and I discovered that we never ordered a birth certificate for Ruby. She needs it for preschool sign ups. It's $26 to get one. 3 years ago is was $10. It sat on Neil's desk in a folder for almost a year for him to send in. He asked why I didn't just do it myself, which was a fair question. I blamed the baby.

School Surprise

2009-03-04T09:57:00.002-05:00

While I was out on Monday I went past the elementary school that does all the preschool registration stuff so I decided I would go in and check out the list of criteria for Free PreK. It turns out that Ruby does qualify for it! Yay!!

We don't qualify for the National Head Start program but apparently there is a free state run program where the financial cap is twice that of the Head Start program. For a family of 4 you have to make less than $66,000 a year. So that, coupled with me not having a job right now, allows her into the program. So I have been scrambling the last few days to get all the paperwork put together because there are only 160 available spots in the entire district and I would really like her to be in Glenwood with Raene. Registration started on the 21st of Feb which means there are already a lot of people signed up.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed because I should be turning everything in today. And hopefully I wont have to homeschool her.

Hunting for Food

2009-03-02T09:46:00.002-05:00

We are so broke. With the enormous number of bills we have we are losing about $500 a month which means we are rarely paying our mortgage (at least, not in full). I haven't been able to get into the plasma centers to donate because they are on a waiting list for new donors. And I don't have any other friends around town who need childcare .... yet - and I sure have looked and advertised myself. So, It's time to start job hunting for something second or third shift. I am going to have to find a job that I can start after 5:30 or 6pm that's part time and has a somewhat stable schedule. This outta be interesting in this market. If we were breaking even we would just deal with it because we can be broke and be happy. But since we are losing money every month something has to be done. Even if I only take a part time job for a few months that should at least stabilize us a little.

I am going to the food bank in the next few days to see what kind of help I can get in that area because food costs us around $500 a month right now. I don't know if I will need to produce proof of our situation or not in order to get help though.

Neil and I also decided that we are going to expand our garden big time this year so hopefully eventually that will help too but it's certainly not a short term fixer.

I feel surprisingly upbeat about all of this. I know we can make it through and we will be just fine. I really feel like by the end of summer we will be in a much better place financially and right now the end of summer doesn't seem that far off.

"The scarecrow knows where we live and will kill our whole family!"

2009-02-23T16:39:00.002-05:00

This is what Raene told me and Neil on the way home from school today. Obviously we were very confused. Well, apparently, there is a story that has been going around the school for a few years about this scarecrow that is near the school. The kids say that it killed a kid and it comes alive and will kill your family if it crosses it's arms at you. Well, Ashley (Cheri's youngest) heard the story at school today and told Raene. Raene was very upset when we told her it was just a story and that it wasn't real.

Neil decided to call Cheri and ask her about it. Big mistake.

He just wanted to find out what the story was all about. He wasn't accusing Ashley of anything and he didn't really care that much about it. But Cheri made Ashley get on the phone with Raene and tell her it wasn't real. They hung up. Then Cheri called back and decided to bitch Neil out because Ashley was crying thinking that she was in trouble. She said that Raene should be friends with kids her own age (they are only a year and half apart) and that Neil was a jerk. Of course there was a lot more to the argument but I didn't hear it all. Neil didn't make her put her kid on the phone and make her explain herself. Cheri made her own kid upset and then blamed it on Neil.

I had to call Cheri and try to smooth things out because I don't need an adult argument to ruin our kids friendship. She proceeded to say nasty things about Neil and then told me she had to rock Ashley for 7 or 8 minutes while she sobbed about the whole thing. OMG I freaking hate that woman!!

Roots down, branches up ... please

2009-02-22T09:18:00.003-05:00

I am desperate for Spring this year. I can't remember ever feeling this much cabin fever. In general I love Michigan weather. I love that circle of the seasons. And for as often as I hear people in Michigan complain about snow, I really love the stuff.

I think that it has a lot to do with the van. We still haven't put new tires on her. However, I am doing that this week so maybe that will help. I haven't wanted to go anywhere because I don't like driving it right now. It needs an alignment but I think one of the tires is not balanced as well - the car shimmies and the steering wheel is not my friend. I feel like I'm going to be driving down the road and my tire is going to come off. Hopefully tomorrow I can get in and get her fixed up.

Weekly Women Only

2009-02-19T14:15:00.002-05:00

Every Friday I have a few girlfriends come over. It's usually Aly and my friend, Chloe. Every once in a while my friend Rachel stops by. We invite a few other women but they rarely come but I leave the door open anyway. Neil has band practice that night so we just sit around and talk, have a glass of wine or two and eat a few munchies. It's so much fun, we spend very little money, and we have great conversations.

I was just thinking about Dave and Jaime moving back and how if Jaime's not busy on Friday's she could join us too. It just got me even more excited about the idea of you guys moving back to michigan. Yay! Oh yeah, Neil and I decided that around Christmas we should hold an annual 64 tacos party but I think we may need to have one sooner (like when you first get back) to make up for not having one during this holiday season.

Rockin the kitchen

2009-02-15T20:05:00.003-05:00

Today was grrrrreat! Neil didn't go into work, for once, and the four of us spent the entire day together just hanging out. We watched a kids movie before lunch and then ate together.

The kids played dress up and sang songs. We spent some time working on the house - the girls and I cleaned while Neil made the bathroom sink stop dripping.

Then we decided to cook dinner as a family. We made homemade pizza. While we ate dinner the oat and fruit bars we worked on baked so we had nice warm and healthy desert.

Then Neil put the kids to bed while I worked on laundry and now it is off to watch a movie. I need more days like this.

V-day. Or vomit day, as I know it

2009-02-13T10:11:00.004-05:00

I just don't get what valentines day has become. Women have this expectation of men - romance, flower, gifts, chocolate. And they make men feel like a pile of shit if they don't get it. How is that expressing love and appreciation? Why does love = presents? Anyway .....

I am the room parent for Raene's class so I had to throw a Valentine's Party for the kids yesterday. Apparently this was the best class party I have thrown this school year even though I really dispise this holiday. The kids kept walking up to me and the other teachers saying "This was the best party EVER!" Which isn't that much of a compliment since they are only in kindergarten and haven't had that many parties but, hey, I'll take it :)

The PTC provided some vanilla ice cream and that was it because they overspent on the pizza for the Holiday Parties. So there were no drinks or anything. I brought in some fresh sliced up strawberries (red for Vday) and asked another parent to bring sprinkles and whipped cream. So the kids got to make little sundaes. They loved that. Along with a few parents bringing in cookies and fruit salad that was great. I also brought in a gignatic pitcher of hot cocoa to drink. That went over really well too (and it was super cheap).

After food I played a letter hunt game with them where I had hidden letters on sticky notes all over the classroom. The kids were divided into two teams looking for their color letters to find the word 'Valentine'. First team to find all their letters and spell their word without talking would win. Raene's team did not win - lol.

And lastly I made a bunch of heart shaped books for the kids to color and label the things/people they loved in. They wrote some of the sweetest cutest things in there. I really liked that activity.

I am bound and determind to teach my kids that showing love doesn't need to cost money. Not just because we are broke right now but on principle. So tomorrow we are going to have a tea party. I'm making the kids invitations tonight while they are sleeping and tomorrow we are going to bake oatmeal raisin cookies together and get dressed up to have tea (hot cocoa) and cookies. I think it will be a lot of fun.

Late Night, Early Morning

2009-02-10T08:24:00.003-05:00

Neil said his boss is pissed that the project he's been working on isn't done yet. So yesterday he mandated that everyone stay late to try and finish it. Which meant that Neil would have to catch everyone up on what he was doing, since usually Neil is the only one working on this thing. Well, I guess he stayed up all night at the office because I was up at 5am and he still hadn't come home. I hope Neil is right that this is the last week of this shit. I hate to see him worked to death.

Our weather is crazy right now. Today we are supposed to top out close to 60 degrees! That's insanity for the middle of February in Michigan. But I'm excited because I can clean all the mud out of the garage, put away rest of the outdoor Christmas decor, wash the van and let the kids play outside on the scooters they got from my Dad for Christmas. Yay! It's one day of spring before we plunge back into our Michigan winter.

boogers

2009-02-08T20:06:00.002-05:00

Neil and I are sick. We both have lovely colds. Mine isn't terrible but it is obnoxious and exhausting. I think Ruby may be catching it. I really hope not.

Ruby smashed me in the nose tonight. Her big ol' head directly into my nose because she decided to start jumping up and down while I bent over her trying to help get her pants on. It crunched. It doesn't/didn't hurt as badly as the first time she broke my nose with her head so I'm hoping it's not broken this time. I wouldn't go the doctor either way cuz last time they said there wouldn't be anything they could do for it anyway.

My head is throbbing.

Assumption makes me angry

2009-02-07T13:43:00.003-05:00

Especially when I'm the one assuming and probably shouldn't be.

We need new tires for our van. It's bad. We slide everywhere. But we can't afford to buy tires. Neil thinks we can make it until June, I think it's really dangerous. But it doesn't really matter because our bank account made the decision for us. No tires.

My dad freaked out in November when he saw our tires and has been harping on me ever since to get them replaced. I want to but I can't spend money if there is no money to spend. He offered me some money (EXTREMELY unusual) to get my tires fixed. I initially turned him down. Since then he has offered it to me a few more times. I always make excuses and tell him I will take care of it. Well, last week he said he was just giving it to me and wasn't asking anymore.

My dad is big into guilting people. So I know he will make me feel guilty if I don't get the tires and if I do take the money. It's a no win situation. He's already said the money is from my grandma's will and that he was going to put it into college funds for the girls but instead wants me to put it toward the tires. Oh, like that doesn't make me feel bad!

So today he says he wants to meet for lunch at BK and let the kids play. He had already told me that he would be giving me the money next time he saw me so I assumed that was the plan.
Nope.
Now, I am mad at myself. Mad that I assumed he was going to give it to me and mad that I wanted it. Cuz, really, I don't want to owe someone else money. We owe enough money. He wouldn't call it a loan but that's what it would be. He would say I don't have to pay him back but I would never just take $350 from anyone and not pay them back, even my own father. And he would make me feel even more guilty if I didn't pay him back (even if he said it was a gift).

Now I feel like an ass.

I guess the stress makes a mess of the chest

2009-02-05T16:23:00.003-05:00

Neil had his stress test today. Apparently, while he was on the treadmill doing his jog the doctor asked him about work and his heart rate went crazy. They determined that overall that the stress at work is causing serious harm to his body and he needs to get his work situation under control. As well as, needing to get in some moderate aerobic exercise daily, quit smoking, eat better and get regular sleep. His lung capacity is terrible too - the asthma and smoking have made his lungs worse than a pack-a-day 40 yr old smoker.

He's decided to start drumming for a half hour everyday because it's music, which he thoroughly enjoys, and moderate exercise. He eats well at home but needs to work on how he eats when he's out. They decided not to put him on meds yet and see if he can fix his cholesterol through diet first. He's also decided that once he's done with this current work project, which should be in the next couple of weeks, that he is going to refuse to work over 45 hrs a week unless it's an emergency.

I think today was a good for him. I hope I can be as supportive as he needs me to be to get to the next phase.

And for your viewing pleasure ... here's what his chest looked like when he came home. They had to shave some of his fur to stick on the sensors - hehe. He's considering shaving it all off just this once so I'll post a new picture if he takes that plunge.

Dependent ... way too dependent

2009-02-01T12:51:00.002-05:00

Neil's computer broke last Saturday. Mine has been down since September. So for the last week we have had no internet access. Unfortunately, we are overly tied to our computer. We don't keep a checkbook with our spending records in it. It's all online. Some of our bills don't even come in the mail. That was pretty scary because we are so tight financially right now.

But after a week fully of wonderful surprises like doggie diarrhea, a moldy steam cleaner (returned that way from my friend who borrowed it a few weeks ago), the broken computer, Neil rescheduling his cardiac stress test, my cousin insinuating that Neil must be having an affair since he is gone so much, and finding out one of my best friend is taking care of both of her parents since they were both laid off a few months ago ... well ... I feel pretty upbeat considering all. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can even with all the crap going on.

A few weeks ago I was bitching to my mom about all the bad stuff that was happening and she asked me, "So, what good things happened today?" I was able to come up with 2 dumb little things that the kids did that were good but it really helped. So everyday I've been trying to ask myself that question.

the teacher took my purple plastic purse

2009-01-23T08:31:00.005-05:00

I feel like I have rediscovered the benefits of blogging. I went through a slump last year because I wanted to blog but I felt that some things are better left private. When Neil and I were going through some of our marriage difficulties I didn't feel like putting our problems out in this forum was appropriate so I gave it up for a while. But I'm glad for this outlet right now.

It's hard to stay positive when a feeling of hopelessness hangs over you - even if it's only one thing that seems to not be getting better. Our financial situation keeps pulling me down and Neil's health has me freaked out. But I am determined not to slip back into a long term rut and feeling sorry for myself makes me want to puke, even though I've been doing a lot of that lately.

I am thinking about donating plasma twice a week for cash. An extra couple hundred bucks a month would really help.

I am also considering taking on a large new project - home schooling Ruby (and possibly Ava) this fall for preschool. My mom has told me how difficult kindergarten and first grade can be for kids (and teacher) without the proper foundation so I would need a lot of guidance and structure. But sign-ups for preschool start in Feb for fall '09. First, we cant afford the $950 it would cost to send her and secondly, it wont be offered at the same school that Raene is attending. So I would have a 15 min window to hightail it from one elementary building to another to pick the kids up. It seems a bit ridiculous. Right now it's just an idea but one I am seriously considering.

Oh and the title of this post is for Jaime - because tomorrow will be better :)

Tame Today

2009-01-22T11:26:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I had a break down.

I had to spend $200 to replace Ruby's glasses. I thought about just replacing the lenses but she has to use the special polycarbonate kind or they would be as thick as coke bottles and those cost more than regular lenses. They run about $150. So I opted for a kids package because that was new frames that included lenses for $170 because I would have needed to spend an extra $20 on a strap to keep them in place anyway (and these glasses wrapped around the ear making the strap unnecessary). So in the end after getting the warranty I spent $200 (which would have been the cost without or without the new frames) that we didn't have.

I walked upstairs after doing laundry only to discover Ruby had taken my Febreze mist and sprayed nearly the entire can onto my coffee table, floor and a bunch of toys. I lost it. I started bawling hysterically for about a half hour.

Neil came home for dinner and could see I was beat. He asked what he could do and I told him to fix my kitchen sink. Success! The sink works again although it is a bit jimmy-rigged together. The pipes are fucked and he needs to replace them in the next week or so. But my sink works so I am pleased.

Today is better. I think breaking down and sobbing was cathartic. I discovered this morning that I have lost 3 lbs in the last month. So that made me happy. I am also having lunch with my dad today and it wont be more than 45 minutes. It will be good, I have my fingers crossed. 45 min is enough time to enjoy eachother but not too much time to say something stupid :)

More Crap

2009-01-21T07:45:00.004-05:00

Why can't I get out of this rut the last week or so?

Did I mention I am having a lot of anxiety about Neil's health? Ever since we had to take him to the Med Center for heart pains I have been freaked out. Especially since he keeps having them (sometimes he can't even stand up straight). Then we found out about his Cholesterol and last night he at a gigantic bowl of ice cream. Really helpful.

On Monday Raene mentioned that one of her classmates was temporarily in a wheelchair because he had been in a car accident and broken his leg (or legs I'm not sure). It scared her a little. Well, yesterday I got a note home saying that he had been in a crash with his family and that his mother had died. He and his two older siblings all go to the school. The mom was one of the other room parents. It hurts my heart to think of those poor kids without their mother.

My pipes are still frozen and I have been doing dishes in the bathtub.

Ruby had an eye appointment yesterday and now needs a stronger Rx. Gosh I hope the warranty covers the new frames she needs since she has to get the different lenses too. We can't afford new glasses right now. My eyes are terrible but I havent even had them checked knowing that we cant afford to get me any.

I need to stop bitching and find something good .... Oh I am having lunch with my dad on Thursday. That's a good thing. But if he starts mentioning religion and how my kids arent baptised again I think I might explode.

Obama's speech was awesome. I teared up while he spoke. I am proud to have voted for him.

The Sky is Falling

2009-01-19T14:13:00.004-05:00

Well, what a mother fucking day so far. My dryer has been limping along, taking over 8 hours to dry a single load for a couple months now. My washer decided to start making a clanking noise this morning to go along with dryer which runs just about nonstop at the moment. I'm really excited about that one. So excited that Neil will have two appliances to try and find parts for. He knows how to fix the dryer just hasnt gotten around to it because he's been working so many hours that he barely sleeps.

Last week we went to the med center for what had been a minor ongoing problem for Neil, slight chest pains. Except they weren't so subtle anymore. They found that he had a slightly irregular heart beat but said he could go home and follow up with our regular doc. He did and sent blood for labs. He was ordered to get some sleep and quit the gigantic amounts of caffeine he was consuming. He has a cardiac stress test next week where they are going to check his heart while he does the treadmill and such.

Today he came home from work early because he had been at the office all night again. He was having heart pains again and considered going back to the doc. He decided that it just might be best if he got some sleep and called the doc to see if his blood work came back. He'll know the full results next week but for now he knows that his good cholesterol is way too low and his bad cholesterol is too high. He is at serious risk of heart disease at the moment.

I didn't clean up the kitchen after dinner last night. I left it for the morning. So when I started cleaning plates today my sink backed up. I thought it was too much stuff in the disposal. It wasn't. The kitchen pipes were frozen again, like last winter. I've been dumping boiling water down them all day. And just in the last hour I noticed that the pipe under the sink was leaking. I didnt see it right away because Neil had cloths under there that were white so they didn't appear damp. So now my pipes are frozen and leaking above the blockage. Fucking Fantastic!

I went to take out the trash a few hours ago only to discover there was a rip in the bag and something gross had leaked all over the inside of the canister and subsequently onto my carpet when I pulled the bag out.

Neil has been home so little that he has no time to get anything else done around the house. I don't blame him for this but it is frustrating. We had some financial set backs last month and so we are playing catch up this month. This means that we wont get to make it down to AZ for Zac and Teresa's wedding. And I have been trying to sort out the mess of jumbled numbers in our bank account which Neil normally handles. I'm okay with doing it because I have been trying to convince him to include me in our finances more for quite a while now. However, I don't have any of the passwords or user names for the places we owe money. So if it isn't stored in the bank website I have to call Neil and bother him while he's already stressed out. Plus, there's such a mess going on I can't tell which ones need double payments because Neil made some of the payments late but the paper statements dont reflect that. Its enough to make me want to pull all of my hair out!

I'm sure I could find something else to bitch about but I need to quit. I doubt anyone really read all of that anyway, I just needed to vent.

A Childs Perspective

2009-01-18T11:27:00.003-05:00

Only in recent months have we ever talked about race with Raene. In fact, it's only because of school bringing it up that she even asks about it. We briefly talked about discrimination at the beginning of the school year with her because her school is probably about 2/3 black. I didn't want her to think it was okay for anyone to treat her as differently because she was white. But the most we talking we did on the matter was that we play with kids because they are nice or fun but not because of how they look. I mostly focused on hair color and clothes to be honest.

In recent days her class has been talking about race because of MLK day on monday. She came home from school so proud on Friday. She said, "Guess what mom! I gave my teacher chills today!" I thought it was an odd thing to say so I asked her what happened and she said that she told her teacher "It doesn't matter if you have peach skin or black skin. You can still be friends if they are nice."

My favorite part of this is that Raene thinks of herself as having "peach skin." We don't correct her and tell her she's "white." It seems unnecessary. I've only mentioned that when it comes to our skin if someone says that she is "white," that they aren't wrong. It gives me so much hope for the future that she wont have to discuss this at all with her kids.

Fine Tuning

2009-01-14T13:02:00.004-05:00

I finished my time without sugar and it worked wonderfully. I could be in donut shop and wouldn't crave the sweets now. Since I have finished cleansing my body of that I now allow myself my one cup of coffee with sweetened creamer in it again but that's about it as far as artificial sugars that I intake daily anymore.

I love that Dave has been posting his caloric intake, fitness times and progress on his blog. I think it makes you more accountable when you know others are keeping track with you, and of course, being supportive. I have been keeping a food journal at home as well. Its really helpful to be able to look at all the things you put in your body throughout the day and decide where you want to make changes.

But the biggest recent change has been that I have put my body on a new schedule. I've always been a night owl and I'm sure part of my problem is nightly eating. I decided to start getting to bed between 9:30 and 10:30pm so that I can be up by 5:30am. When I get up I have something small to eat plus my coffee and after a little bit do my workout. I am also trying my hardest to eat at regular intervals. Meal, snack, meal, snack, meal every 3 hours. This keeps your body from slipping into survival mode, storing calories, thinking that it wont be fed again soon. I'm also trying to fit in a small afternoon "pick-me-up" workout of about 10-15 min.

This new system has been working out great for me! I have more energy and I love waking up before the kids start whining at me. The planning has given me more incentive to plan better meals and snacks as well. The only downfall so far is that I have to do my workout videos in the morning cuz anything else will make too much noise and wake the kids up too early and I am really sore - but I'm glad to be aching right now.

I need my fix

2009-01-09T08:46:00.003-05:00

So after doing some research and talking with some of my "healthier" family members, I have decided to temporarily cut all artificial sugars from my diet. This process it supposed to take about a week. Apparently after about a week I wont really crave the refined sugars anymore. Of course, I didn't really think this would be difficult since I'm not a sweets eater. I prefer salts and carbs but do occasionally like to have some sugary goodness. I'm on day 4 now and I want sugar like there is no tomorrow. It was the worst last night when I was watching tv. I always want to eat when I'm not moving. I switched from my coffee in the morning to tea because I don't feel the need to put french vanilla creamer in my tea so I've been dragging a little more these last few days too. Damn kids Christmas candy staring at me all the time .... come on willlpower.

Resolutions/Goals 2009

2009-01-06T23:23:00.003-05:00

This year ought to be interesting with all the fun things I have planned.

#1 - Reduce our overall debt (with the exception of our house) by 25%
Last year we wanted to save money, well this year Neil and I have a good plan we are working on and we dont plan on saving any of it, it's all going to debt and we are going to live on a very tiny budget.

#2 - I want to lose 16lbs and run at least 3 5k races
That would put me back down to 115lbs which is what I weighed after losing my baby weight with Ruby and where I was at before my antidepressants so its not unreasonable at all. And I already have my 3 races picked out.

#3 - Get pregnant and stay fit while I'm pregnant - I want to lose the weight before the baby stuff again but mostly our marriage has to be stable. It is great right now but needs to stay this way a little longer so maybe this summer we can start thinking about getting pregnant again.

#4 - Yard Work
I have said almost every year that I want those bushes ripped out of the front. I started it last year but never finished it. And I want Luna's running path to be fixed - no more muddy paws!

#5 - Take the family camping

#6 - find a few more ways to be green

#7 - Eat more natural and organic foods.
Farmers Markets here we come!

#8 - work on my Love and Logic techniques with the kids as much as possible.

Resolutions/Goals a year in review

2009-01-06T23:17:00.002-05:00

Going over the plans for this last year ....

#1 - Saving Money - ummmm we didn't do so good on this. In fact, we are still pretty much broke all the time and not getting ahead.

#2 - Cook more meals - I would say I did pretty well on this one cuz I rock.

#3 - Set reasonable daily and weekly goals - well, I made my list of goals and I think I did pretty well at this overall. Some weeks were better than others but I did stick with it most of the year which in turn caused new good habits.

#4 - Make those around me feel appreciated more often - I think you would have to ask my family how I did on this one. However, after all the strain Neil and I went through earlier in the year I can definitely say I appreciate him more now.

Intestinal Spillage

2009-01-06T08:59:00.003-05:00

My Dad had hernia surgery yesterday. They thought they were going to be working on 3 of them and that the surgery would take about 3 hours. No, he ended up with 6 hernias! I went down to the hospital to visit him before they discharged him home and he was in good spirits. He's always making jokes :)

Unfortunately, while I was waiting for him I had to sit with his wife and make small talk. She made several comments about how when she first married my dad he was this "hot tri guy" and "look at him now" cuz my dad was a triathelete and since his numerous surgeries in recent years he has packed on a ton of weight. That made me want to punch her because a few months back she had told my maternal grandmother at a get together that "we do our own things, he's gotten so fat and ugly that I dont even care what he does with his time."

I felt bad that they were sending him home because his wife has stated several times in the past that she is not a nurse and doesn't like taking care of him. And they sent him home with a drainage tube that needs to be emptied regularly. She seemed disgusted by the whole thing.

Family Deathruptions

2009-01-02T08:47:00.004-05:00

My paternal grandmother died on New Years Day. We weren't close. In fact, neither one of us really liked the other. However, she was my dad's mother and I know it was hard on him. She was in the hospital for a week ever so slowly passing away. I only made it down there once to help comfort him because no one would tell me what was happening. My brother was kept completely in the loop with everything. My stepmom called him and let him know when they would be at the hospital and how my grandmother was doing. Me - nothing. I had to call my brother to get any information at all. And I don't really blame my dad, he was kind of dealing with a lot but I'm still a part of the family. The visitation is today and the funeral tomorrow. Apparently all the grandchildren are supposed to be involved in this gigantic Catholic funeral - as a granddaughter (oh did I mention my gram had 9 children - so there are a lot of grandchildren) I have to help bring the gifts to the alter. Right now I feel very conflicted and selfish for even having these feelings. Someone died and I am worried about myself. But I feel like I'm not really wanted right now yet obligated to perform in this ceremony and go to all three of the visitations. But I want to be there for my dad. Ugh! I don't even know how I feel.

My brother and his wife have decided to move back to MI. They still have to sell their house in OR and that will probably take a while. I have wanted this for years but now I feel conflicted when it comes to this too. My dad and my brother are close and my stepmom actually likes him. And I feel like there's already so much distance between me and my dad because of my stepmom that it's only going to get worse when my brother moves back, especially since they plan on moving close to my dad's house. The worst part of that though is for my kids. It's like they barely exsist when my niece is around. Not because she's the youngest either, it's because my stepmom is her Godmother (I don't even want to bring up that story again). So, I want soooo badly to be around my brother, SIL and niece more but I don't want a harder relationship with my father. Why is my family so confusing right now?!

I will go to all these events today and tomorrow. I will be there as best I can for my dad. That's what's important. My feelings are irrelevant.

shoe string

2008-12-14T15:02:00.004-05:00

Raene's school Holiday Party is coming up this week. I am the head room parent so I attempting to organize something fun for the kids with the other room parents however, we have no money. We are literally broke. Luckily we all provided $3 at the begining of the school year to the PTC and they are buying pizza for all the classrooms. However, I still have to get goodie bags set up, a treat to go along with food and a craft. I organized two other parents to get the snack and goodie bags and decided to have the kids make pinecone bird feeders. I still have to get the pinecones and bird seed from the store (did I mention we have no money).

So, what promted this post? I can't find my damn yarn! I have searched this entire house for my big spool of black yarn. How are the kids going to hang the bird feeders without somekind of yarn or string. I refuse to buy more since I know its around here somewhere and we have no money. So damn frustrating since I got it for the halloween party and know there is a ton left.

I'm making super awesome spicy boneless buffalo wings for dinner. Yay for spicy!

Sprained Butt

2008-12-07T14:16:00.002-05:00

I've been working out a lot lately (although still not managing to lose any weight). I decided that I really want to start off the new year kicking someones ass. So I'm signing up to run a 4mile road race. Aly, my SIL, Kalin, my mom and I are all going to run the Reeds Lake Resolution Run on New Years Eve.

Unfortunately I had to take the last 3 days off of training because I strained a muscle in my butt. I don't really know how I did it. It happened at some point while I was picking Raene up from school. I have been sitting on Aly's heating pad and taking a lot of baths and it seems to be doing better. So Aly and I are going to go for a run today and hope it stretches out a little more - it's pretty much healed up but it still seems a bit tense.

Don't anger the butt.

Do you want a bow with that?

2008-11-28T22:28:00.004-05:00

I'm annoyed at my dad. It's not really one thing. It's just his entire outlook on life. The way he fake laughs and fake smiles or occasionally scoffs at you on accident and then pretends that he didn't. Just because he has a lot of money he thinks he's better than other people. He didn't always have money. He didn't always listen to conservative talk radio all day long and think that every word they speak is gospel. He actually used to be pretty fun loving. I personally think that his wife sucked the fun from his bones.

It's that time of year again. I love the holidays. I hate going to my dad's though. He's not terrible all the time but his wife makes you feel like shit EVERY single time you step through that door. And if we don't show up with an expensive gift for them (which we have never done) we get the look of 'oh, ummm, thanks for trying.' I usually just give them one of the home made gifts that I do for my moms side of the family but we decided to forgo that this year and draw names.

This year I decided that no adults will be getting gifts from us. Instead, we are giving out donations to St Judes Children's Hospital. I am really looking forward to the seeing my dad and his wifes face when they open that card. They are going to be so disappointed. I would hope that it makes them feel guilty but I know they will only be resentful that we didn't get them something tangible. It's going to be a double hit this year though because my stepbrother went off to college this fall. In my book that means I am no longer obligated to think of him as a kid who needs a gift. So he will also be getting a donation made in his name. So not only am I going to offend my "stepmom" but I get to piss her off on behalf of her kid too (he is actually a good enough person to not be offended by it). Yay for Charity!

The Plague

2008-11-26T10:43:00.005-05:00

I know I haven't posted for a while .... Why are you blaming me?!!
I still don't have my computer back. I am still stealing time on Neil's. I hate being in this cold basement when I want to check my email. Give me my computer back!

Raene has Hand Foot and Mouth Disease. It's a contagious virus that is easily spread among kids - I guess it's in the same family of bugs as things like Chickenpox - but not much of a threat for adults. But she has to stay home for the rest of the week from school - I guess she's only missing 3 days instead of 5 but she also missing out on the fun of Thanksgiving crafts and activities. She may also be missing the Postema Thanksgiving on Saturday because of all the kids there.

Ruby has not gotten sick yet but she is probably a carrier for at least a week if she doesn't come down with the symptoms. Raene has blister-like sores on her hands and feet and has a few sores in her mouth. She probably got it from school. Damn germy monsters. I feel like we're being quarantined.

The Adam's Thanksgiving at our house went well this year. I pulled off a successful feast. This was my first year fully taking the reigns and preparing all the main dishes myself, even though we have had it at our house 3 of the last 4 years, because my kids were old enough that I didn't have to leave the kitchen every 10 minutes. I made my first turkey which was so awesome that the meat was falling off the bones. However, I only cleaned out the large cavity of the turkey and didn't realize there was a bag of giblets in the neck. I'm dumb. Oh well, it was funny, at a least.

Christmas shopping for the girls is finished and now I have to move on to the nieces and nephews. Yay for Amazon.com and free shipping. I haven't left the house for shopping yet! Yay! Shopping is the worst part of the Holidays. I am wondering when the Postema side is going to start choosing names when it comes to the kids. There are now 10 kids total on that side. So that's 8 Postema kids that I have to buy for on top of my other 2 nieces on my side plus my Goddaughter and her two siblings and Ava. That's 14 kids besides my own! This is getting beyond ridiculous. I told Neil I would keep all the other kids under $150 this year and I plan to figure out a way to stick to that. There's just no extra money to go around - as usual.

Why am I still typing? I seriously need to get out of my house. Damn Hand Foot and Mouth Disease.

Off the Crutch

2008-10-16T10:47:00.003-04:00

I am finally antidepressant free. I have been fully off for a little over two weeks but I just had an appointment with my doctor yesterday afternoon to discuss my progress. I seem to be doing well. Last week sucked because I got a really nasty cold with a lot of chest congestion so I couldn't do strenuous exercise to keep up my hormone levels. Terrible timing considering that was when I needed it the most. He also said that part of the reason I haven't been able to lose the extra 15lbs I put on in the last year and half may be to blame on my pills. I guess it's not that uncommon to gain weight which is really annoying. I wish I had known that sooner. Maybe I wouldn't have been so frustrated with the inability to get rid of it when I eat right and work out. But since I am not on antidepressants anymore maybe my weight will go back down and my skin will clear up. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and mind positive.

Toys R Us be Damned

2008-10-08T10:31:00.002-04:00

It's hard babysitting for rich people. The things they are instilling in their child are precisely the things we are trying to avoid with our own kids. It's not just because their rich, some of it is because they are old. They act more like grandparents to her than parents.

Today, her dad dropped her off. In her hand she had a brand new toy. She always has a brand new toy. If she is upset her dad will say, "Ava, do you want to go to the toy store on the way home?"

In her bag he said she brought a treat for the girls - cookies, preshaped to bake at my house. Last week, I agreed to meet up with them at McDonalds as a drop off point (they go there at least 3 times a week). I watch her dad pour gobs of syrup on her pancakes and then put some on the side for her to dip as well, and then put jelly all over her muffin and gave her the jelly packet to suck the rest of it out. The girl doesnt drink milk at home, only juice, because she throws a fit every time so they just cave in.

The kid is afraid to try anything new because they coddle her to death, carry her everywhere, do everything for her so she doesn't realize she can even try to do things on her own. I made her learn how to walk stairs, get in her carseat, climb into bed, USE A FORK, put on her shoes.

Our goals are to raise our kids to be independent thinkers who can make good decisions, to be healthy emotionally and physically, and not to be materialistic. I can work to teach my kids these things even when they see the opposite daily because thats going to happen their whole life. However, it just kills me to see all the things we work for being halted in this one little girl. To each their own and she's not my child but when she's in my house I treat her the same as either of my girls but what does all that work mean when she goes home to the opposite lifestyle? It makes me crazy! I just want to scream at them "You freaks are turning your child into a materialistic little brat who is going expect the world to hand her everything on a silver platter and is going to have type 2 diabetes by the time she is 5!"

Old and Worn

2008-09-30T14:41:00.002-04:00

Things are too busy right now. The older Raene gets the more obligations I have besides the role of mommy and wife. She's in gymnastics, her teacher sends homework home at least 3 times a week, which of course we have to work with her on, besides the other daily work that we are supposed to do with her - the reading, writing and math practice. Her teacher asked me to be the head room parent, which I really want to do but that's another large obligation which involves lots of phone calls, party planning, field trip attendance, and paperwork. I am also attending the parent teacher commitee meetings and have volunteered to do work at the school when they need people for the playground and for anything else where they need extra hands (like organizing papers and such). I want to be involved. It's really important to me that my kids education is a top priority. I was asked to head up a Daisy (girl scouts for kindergarteners) Troupe but I had to draw the line somewhere however, I did say I would help as much as possible since I think Raene would really benefit from being involved in it. Ugh!

The hardest part is that this is all volunteer work but I am working at home too. I feel like there should be some kind of reward that is tangable now. Unfortunately, the reward is not one that pays out immediately and I wont really see the benefits until the girls are much much older.

Moving On

2008-09-28T13:51:00.003-04:00

I think I have been handling everything pretty well, thanks to my wonderful support system of family and friends. I am doing really well, at weaning off of my antidepressants and I have been working out nearly every day. I am finding this to be a necessity because my body needs the extra endorphins to stay stable right now. I moved a bunch of things around in my house again and have managed to keep myself insanely busy to keep my mind focused.

It's not avoidance, because in my down time I do think about the sadness of loss but overall I am trying to stay as positive as possible and think of how it could be a blessing in disguise.

I will drink my alcohol and caffiene now

2008-09-21T11:41:00.003-04:00

My body is confused. Somehow I managed to get pregnant even though I had and IUD put in to prevent that. I had an early miscarriage this week. I was only a couple of weeks along but it's still painful.

I knew something was going on when my breasts started leaking. Then came the tenderness and swelling along with being crazy dizzy. I made an appointment with my OBGYN for some tests. And by the time the tests were done there was the confirmation that my body was rejecting the baby. It could be that the pregnancy was ectopic. It's not uncommon when you have an IUD, if it happens to fail (the failure rate is only 1-2%), that can be the case. If the IUD is not removed there's also a high rate of midterm miscarriages, which, in my opinion, would probably be a lot more devastating.

Neil and I had been having some marital issues earlier this year. We have worked really hard on them and even saw a counselor for a little bit. We're both extremely committed to making our marriage work but had a lot of problems that we weren't communicating well on. Things are so much better now but we still have work to do. I have gone back and forth on whether or not I really want to have a third child and Neil has maintained that he still wants to try for a third in hopes of getting a boy. Our most recent talks on this landed trying to possibly have another baby around a year from now. We wanted to be sure we were a little more financially stable as well as having our marriage be on it's most solid ground. And I personally wanted to be emotionally fit to handle it. I was even preparing to get off my antidepressants soon.

Right now I am angry. Angry because I can't go into a pregnancy with doubt. I know I will love that child whether they were expected or not. I knew that even if I wasn't ready I would get ready. And having a baby is such an exciting adventure. I'm not the greatest pregnant person as far as how much I enjoy the experience but I still cherish that time and want my baby. And it hurts to know that I wont get to have that right now. I had started to prepare myself and was being as positive as I could be. Now, I'm just feeling let down.

Will we have another baby sooner because of all this? I can't say. I need to get my body back. I've now started weaning myself off of my medication. I think I am ready, dispite this being an emotional time for me. I think I need to mourn the loss of this little soul before moving on to creating a new one. It is what it is and was obviously meant to be. Sometimes it's just difficult to face that reality that somethings are out of our control.

Back to School

2008-09-04T14:07:00.003-04:00

So Raene is in school every afternoon now. And when I go to pick her up she gets let out at the same time as all the other elementary students. Do you know what this means? Huh? Do ya? .... It means ... wait, wait for it..... I have to see my sister-in-law, Cheri, every fucking day. Her youngest kid, Ashley, is in first grade so she gets let out of the same part of the building that Raene does. So, everyday now, Raene and Ruby get to see "Aunt Cheri" and I get to want to run and scream and hide but instead I just stand there and politely smile. And, weirdly enough, the other day, Ashley introduced me to her friend as "my cousin's mom." I'm glad Cheri corrected her and said that I was her "Aunt" or I would have and it probably wouldnt have gone over as well. Because you know, Cheri usually thinks her kids poop rainbows so if I had corrected her I would have been the Devil's Spawn. Oh wait, Cheri already think I came from the gates of Hell to ruin her family, steal her brother away and turn everyone against her. Oh the Agony!

It fell on deaf ears

2008-08-29T12:35:00.004-04:00

When my computer broke last week I got the message that I had a corrupted file. Neil fixed it without losing anything I had saved. Only one major problem has resulted - I have no sound. I have been wanting to watch some of the interviews with my brother but that can't be done. And I accidentally missed Barack's acceptance speech last night and would like to watch it in full, which obviously can't be done either. This sucks!

A Smattering

2008-08-28T08:56:00.005-04:00

My computer was down for nearly 5 days so I was unable to update you all on my incredibly interesting and impressive life. I'm sure you were intensely disappointed.

You all would have loved Drunk Larry this last weekend. We got stuck in a down pour in Marion at the Annual Family gathering so Larry got an early start on the bottle since there was nothing else to do. According to him, my brother was running the 26 Miler and when Barak Obama was 8 years old he tried to bomb the capitol. It was fun.

Garage Sale was a success. Not because we made money - in fact, we only made $17 after paying for the newspaper ad. Success because we now have a CLEAN garage. We can actually put two cars in our two stall garage. Which means that Neil now has a real work space to fix our Mazda *hint hint*. Actually, he has already mentioned getting around to that soon. Especially since Raene is starting Kindergarten next week and I will need the van everyday to get her back and forth to school.

In case you haven't heard, my brother Kicks Ass!! He came in 9th in the Marathon in Beijing. It was awesome that he managed top 10 and that he was the first American. He's very disappointed with himself though. He was really going for that bronze medal and probably would have gotten it but his legs cramped up and he had to stop and stretch it out. In the end he just didn't quite have the training he needed after his injury. But that was only his third competitive marathon so he is going to blow 2012 out of the water. Oh yeah, and NBC's coverage was bullshit! It sucked cock like David Hasselhoff does to get into a recording studio.

Aly and I took the kids to the park the other day. It was the first time they had ever ridden their bikes on the road. We got a major workout since we spent most of the time pushing them up hill. My back is still sore. They met a police officer who gave them stickers and free ice cream coupons for wearing their helmets. It was cool except for the last few days all I've been hearing is "Can we go to McDonalds and get our ice cream?!" They didn't even know what McDonalds was before that. I blame the cop.

You're Killing my Child

2008-08-20T16:00:00.003-04:00

So I got a surprise phone call today from my MIL, Lisa. She wanted to know if she could take Raene out to Toys R Us and let her pick out her birthday present and then go out to lunch with her and Larry. Raene is no longer my shy child so I said "Sure! She would love that" I mean, what kid wouldn't like to go to a gigantic toy store and have their Granny buy them toys? She brought her back about 3 hours later. Raene seemed to have a blast. She got 4 new Barbies and some kind of Polly Pocket necklace. And was so excited about her star shaped chicken nuggets from Denny's. That's all fine and good except my child and all of her clothes and toys smelled like smoke. I asked Raene if Granny smoked her cigarettes in the car with her and she said 'yes'. I am really annoyed. I know she smoked while they were at the restaurant, Lisa can't go 10 minutes sitting without lighting up. The car is an enclosed space though! She might as well have given my kid the cigarette to smoke herself. I guess I just assumed she would take her grandchild's health into account. I mean, we don't allow her to smoke in our house. She knows how we feel about her smoking around the kids. I will just have to take solace in the fact that this is the first time she has ever asked to spend alone time with Raene and I highly doubt it will be something she does a lot.

Old People can be really annoying

2008-08-19T09:25:00.003-04:00

I am having a garage sale again this year. Yes, I did have one last year and the year before that. My grandma lives in a condo and has a lot of shit so every year she insists on having a sale at my house. Why don't I just tell her "no" and be honest about how much I hate garage sales? Because my grandma is very pushy and right now I have the 'in' with her. This helps because I hear all the gossip and negative things that she says about the rest of the family and, way more importantly, I get details and updates on my grandpas terminal cancer. My grandpa is a very private person and doesnt like to talk about it and my grandma doesn't want to worry anyone so she makes things sound all hunky dory for the rest of my cousins. Also, I know they need every little bit of money they can't get their hands on right now because of the cost of his meds.

This one should be interesting because I will be trying to keep an eye on 4 kids this year instead of just my two. I'll be watching the Pheeshlet for the day and I will have, Ava, the whiny clingy two year old from Hell that freaks out at the slightest change in her life, that I babysit almost every day, there. Yippee!

I feel like chop suey

2008-08-18T12:19:00.003-04:00

My family is in the air right now heading for Beijing. My mom and her husband left Denver at 8am. My dad left Grand Rapids at 6am and My sister-in-law and niece left Eugene at 6am. I'm sad that I'm not going. I want to be there to support my brother. I feel a little obligated to be there to help ease tensions between my dad and mom, since poor Kalin has to deal with it on her own and she is really nervous. But mostly I just want to watch him in his moment of glory and tell him how proud I am. I guess I'll just have to put out the good vibrations from home.